Page 23 of Ashes to Ash’s

“Imagine my surprise and heartache when he turned out to be a brainwashed fucking religious fanatic, who thinks being gay is something that needs to be resolved or fixed. I’m not broken because I like guys, Cal. I’m not deviant because I don’t want pussy. I’m perfectly fucking normal, and right, and entitled to love who I love. What was my point here… oh yeah, so dreams… yeah, I’ve dreamed about us together. You sucking me, you taking my cock, me taking yours. I’m not against taking what I give out, but it’s not just that. Us together, making a home, waking up together, going on holidays together, all that shit. That was my dream. Yeah, that was my dream. Instead you thought you’d drug me and let a woman rape me. And you know the worst part?”

I shook my head, because there was no stopping him right now. What choice did I have now but to listen?

“It’s not even that I still want you, and still wish for us to be together. No. It’s the fact that they did this to you, and you felt like I feel now, but you still felt it should happen to me too. Do you know,” his voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, “do you know how many showers I take a day right now? Do you know how her touch still seems to exist on my skin? Do you get that? You must. You’ve been there. Are you telling me you felt fucking good after? That you could sleep without phantom touches, that you could go through the day without needing to wash her filth from your skin?”

I could feel the tears running down my cheeks as I lowered my head. Of course I knew how he felt. Of course I felt all that horror and degradation. Stupidly I thought I was fixed, but I’m not fixed. I’m more broken and fragmented than ever before.

“I’m sorry,” I choked out, and he chuckled again.

“Doesn’t undo it, little choir boy, but you can make it up to me. I have an idea about that.”

Silence suddenly fell, and that’s when I realised there had been a soft white noise, a crackle of radio static as he spoke to me, and that was now gone. Had he left me here? Was I alone?

“Ash?”

Silence. Just me and this fucking room, soulless and empty, just like I felt inside.

“Ash? Please don’t leave me here. I’ll do it. Whatever it is, I’ll do it.”

The lights suddenly shut off again, and I was left in dark silence, alone with nothing but my regrets. Why did the heavy darkness make me feel lonelier and more broken than anything else ever had? All I could do was wait here for Ash’s retribution, knowing the whole time that I deserved whatever he chose to do to me.

Ash

Dad Gray handed me a plate with a sandwich on it, along with a cup of coffee, as soon as I walked into the living room. I’d slept for a few hours after spending time with Cal, because I needed to fight the heavy exhaustion of what had happened, and what was happening now. The responsibility of taking my revenge was just another weight on my shoulders. Was life really supposed to be this hard?

He sat opposite me at the table as I pushed the food aside, and leaned over the coffee, letting the aroma seep into my senses.

“Blaze said he’ll be here in about half an hour.” Jesus, Blaze. He didn’t know the ins and outs of what had happened, but he knew something was up. I didn’t want him knowing about this. He was my big brother, dammit.

I nodded distractedly, keeping my eyes away from dad’s because he always saw too much.

“You should know, Ethan’s with him.”

My head shot up and I slammed my fist against the surface of the table, making everything jump with the force.

“What?! Why the fuck is he coming?” Did everyone have to find out how weak I was?

Dad Gray rolled his eyes. “You know what I think of the prick, but he and Blaze are like fucking besties these days. He wanted to help with our little retrieval operation, and Blaze agreed, but he doesn’t know anything. Neither of them do.”

“He’s still a fucking normie underneath it all, dad! He’ll go to the cops!”

Dad laughed, shaking his head as he pushed the plate back in front of me.

“I swear, he’s as crazy as the rest of us these days, kiddo. He’s in too deep with us anyway. Eat though, you’ll need it. Have you thought about how this is going to play out?”

Had I? I shrugged. There was a hint of an idea, but it was just that, a hint. A niggling thought in the back of my mind. I swallowed hard.

“The bible says an eye for an eye, right? Like it advocates revenge?”

Dad shrugged. “Do I look like I went to Sunday School? I’ve heard the saying though, of course. Why? What are you thinking?”

I sighed, pushing the plate away again, wondering what the fuck I’m doing once more.

“Just figured he might understand, since he’s so fucking fanatical about his religion. His precious God. Why do people so blindly believe in a mythical figure whose holy book preaches so much closeted hate?”

Dad’s phone buzzed on the table and he pressed the button to view the message.

“They’re here already. How do you want to do this?”