Page 17 of Ashes to Ash’s

“I feel like I’m being manipulated here, but for the sake of a shitty girl drink? What the hell. I can be decent… I can.” He didn’t look so sure as he downed the drink in two gulps and practically gagged after. “It’s too sweet. Who even likes this shit?”

I leaned forward and called the bartender over, requesting two beers, and sat back again. It was time for Elizabeth to head off, and on cue, she pulled her phone from her bag and nodded. She got up from her seat, and pocketed the phone, grabbing her bag.

“They’re outside, so I’m going to get out of here. Nice to meet you, Ash. Later, sweet boy.” She kissed my cheek, and headed out of the bar.

Ash was watching me again. “I don’t get it.”

“What? She’s a friend of my uncle’s. We’ve become close.” He looked suspicious, which made me nervous, because if he worked things out too soon, he could leave.

“She acts like you’re more than that. Tell me you’re not fucking her, Cal. That would make me pretty fucking pissed. You know you’re mine. Why would you risk touching someone else? You need to know I’ll kill anyone you fuck.” What?

Suddenly I wasn’t so sure he could be saved at all. He looked very much like he not only believed his words, but meant them. Like he literally thought he’d be able to kill a person.

The bartender brought our beers, and we sipped them, sitting in awkward silence, before he spoke again.

“You said we’d talk. This isn’t talking. We’re at a hotel, is that because you have a room booked?”

My heart thudded in my chest, and I nodded slowly, but that answer put the biggest smile on his face I’ve ever seen.

“What?”

He winked at me. “Is sex in my future, Cal? Am I getting laid tonight?”

Another wave of guilt assaulted me as I shrugged, chewing on my lip. I wanted to say no, because I knew he meant was I going to let him fuck me, and I knew I shouldn’t.

“It’s okay, baby. You can be shy about it now, but let’s head up there. No sense in wasting time down here, while we’re both so ready for what’s about to happen.” He reached down to adjust himself in his jeans.

“I’m hard already, Cal. You ready to take my cock?” Lord, please help me. Please give me strength. Please help me to help him.

I reluctantly reached into my pocket and retrieved the keycard to the room I’d booked, hesitating a few seconds as I stared at it. There was no going back after this. If we went up there, it’d happen, and once it’d happened, nothing would be the same again. For either of us.

“Come on, baby. Let’s go lose our virginity to each other, like we were always supposed to.” Ash shoved his empty beer bottle away and stood up, reaching for my arm. His balance was a little off, and he looked surprised, rolling his eyes at himself.

“Don’t let this make you think I can’t hold my liquor, and have no stamina, babe. I’ve been waiting so long for you. Nothing’s going to fuck this up.”

By the time we reached the door to my room, he was starting to lean heavily on me as we walked, and although he used that as an excuse to keep stroking the back of my neck, I knew the drugs were starting to kick in.

“That weird cocktail must have been strooong,” he slurred, resting his other hand against the doorframe as I used my keycard to unlock the door.

I practically had to drag him into the room, and shoved him on his back on the bed.

“Yes! This is all I’ve wanted for so long, Cal. I can’t wait to get you naked and fuck you. It’s been my dream.” He tried to sit up and pull at his clothes, but he fell back against the pillows with a surprised grunt.

“The fuck… I feel weird.” I moved closer to the bed, and his arm almost stretched out as he reached for me, but then he passed out.

My god. I did this to him. I drugged a guy. I drugged him for sex.

“Is he out?” I swallowed hard, turning to look at Elizabeth as she stepped from the bathroom in just a robe.

“Will he be okay? I barely got him up here.”

She smiled and kissed my forehead as she passed. “He’ll be just fine. We’re helping him back onto the path of righteousness, before he earns himself an eternity in hell.”

Hell. Just for being gay. Why couldn’t it just be okay?

“Help me strip him off. If he opens his eyes, make sure you’re all he can see, and pretend you’re the one touching him.”

Why did that order make me feel dirtier than any touch from Ash? I wished I could just decide once and for all that this was the right thing. It had to be, right?