Page 9 of The Intimacy of Finding You

He talked about his grandpa a lot. He sounded like a really nice man. “Crew misses the nature. I don’t miss much of nothin’ about it. It’s pretty crowded here, but that’s ‘bout all I’ve had to get used to. I like bein’ close to places. And people.”

“Oh yeah, because you’re from a town even smaller than Crew. I’m glad you ended up here. Means I got to meet you.”

I came here to chase a dream. What that dream was, I still didn’t know. Mama watched all them TV shows, and all the successful people were in New York. Crew came here for the same reason—because Arkansas gave us nothing, and the city gave us something. We’d both run from Tiger Claw Camp. We’d run from Thompson. We’d run from the same trauma in hopes that we’d find something meaningful, even though we had no idea what that would be.

At least Crew had found his something meaningful. I know Mama was worried I wouldn’t find anything. I was worried, too.

Setting my fork down, I gave Callum a slight smile. “I’m glad I met you, too.” And I was. I hoped my smile was big enough to show that. I had such a hard enough time doing it, I was never sure if it looked genuine or not.

Callum stood, grabbing his plate and reaching out for mine. “I can take your plate. If you wanna sit on the couch, I’ve got a movie picked out for us to watch, too. Do you like comedies?”

I handed him my plate and glanced over at his couch. His very small couch. I could already feel my skin crawling, but I pushed through it to nod and walk over to it, taking a seat on the left cushion, as far into the side as possible.

How stupid was I? Of course, a date would mean being close. Of course, this is what he wanted. What else could dinner and a movie mean? I was dense. So fucking dense. But I liked him. I really liked him.

So maybe I could do it. Maybe I could do this, and he’d keep liking me too, and everything would be okay.

“Okay.” He plopped onto the cushion right beside me with an oof. “I bought this one, and I’ve watched it, like, a million times. It’s one of my favorites.”

The lights were out now, and the blinds were closed. The only other light was the TV’s glow. He was watching the screen, but I was watching him. Every subtle movement on his face, I calculated in my mind. Each sniffle, each curl of his lip, each smile, each loud laugh.

When he’d glance toward me, I’d look away, pretending like I wasn’t waiting. Like I didn’t know and understand what was coming. I was shocked and proud of myself when his arm went around my shoulders. I didn’t even flinch. Didn’t show on my face just how much I hated it.

If he knew just how dirty and fucked up I was, I doubted he’d even be touching me.

He inched closer to me, the sides of our thighs touching. He started to turn his head, so I looked away, but I could feel his gaze on me. There was heat penetrating my skin, and I knew. I knew it was time.

Slowly, I leaned forward and shed my jacket without uttering a single word. Then I tugged at the hem of my shirt, lifting it off and throwing it onto the floor. He wouldn’t mind, would he? No, if he was paying attention to the damage written across my skin in dirty, muddy letters, he wouldn’t notice anything else.

Just as I reached for my pants button, Callum shifted away on the couch. “Woah, what are you doing?”

I paused, turning my head toward him. His eyes were wide, his eyebrows furrowed together. “This is what you want, ain’t it?”

“Uh, this is our first date. I wasn’t really expecting…”

Fuck. “You don’t want me?”

He blinked at me. “What?”

Wrapping my arms around myself, I sank into the couch, wishing my shirt was closer to me. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I…I thought this was what you wanted. But you don’t like me like that, do you?”

“Like what, Tobi? Like you like what?”

“I dunno. Like you wanna be with me?”

Shaking his head, Callum moved just a bit closer. “I asked you on a date because I do like you. But I wanted a date. I wanted to get to know you outside of work. I wasn’t expecting anything else.”

What did that even mean? Is this not right? “Isn’t this…” I looked away from him, his almost apologetic eyes too much to handle. “Isn’t this what I’m supposed to do?”

“Supposed to do?” He sounded genuinely confused. “Tobi, no.”

But that was what they’d always said. This is what I was supposed to do. Offer the only thing I could, and in return, I’d get love. Friendship. Hope, even. “But I gotta eventually, right? So, why not now? Why not get it over with, and then there’ll be nothin’ to worry ‘bout? I’m fine with it.”

“No, you’re not.” He was right, but that wasn’t the point. “You don’t ever have to do that, Tobi. Ever. Even if we’re, like, together until the end of time or something, you don’t ever have to have sex with me. If you wanted to, that’d be different. But you don’t. And that’s okay. That’s always okay. Who told you that wasn’t okay?” His voice had gotten shakier by the end, and it confused me.

Who told me? The only people I’d ever thought I could trust. Mama told me I didn’t have to do this stuff either, but Mason told me different. He told me she was a liar. She just didn’t want me dirtier than I already was from Thompson.

So who did I believe? Mama and Callum? Or Mason and Thompson?