Page 49 of The Intimacy of Finding You

I took a deep breath and walked up the steps, forcing myself to knock before I chickened out. I looked off to the side, smiling, when I noticed the two matching rocking chairs sitting below the window that weren’t there before.

Callum had finished them.

Fishy was barking on the other side of the door, acting as a fierce protector. The lock clicked, and the door slowly opened. Crew froze in the doorway, staring at me like I was some kind of ghost. And maybe I was. It sure felt like it some days.

His eyes glazed over. His Adam’s apple bobbed. His eyebrows curved down as he opened his mouth, a tiny squeak of two words coming out. “Hey, Tobi.”

After abandoning him and everyone else who cared about me, I guess that was as good as it could’ve gone. “Hey, Crew. It’s good to see you.”

It was like night and day. His lips curled up into a smile as he let out a heavy breath. “I’m so glad you’re okay. Come on, I’ll get Callum and give y’all some privacy.”

“Are you leaving?”

“What?” He shook his head. “Fuck no. I ain’t seen you in far too long. We’re going to talk after you have some time with Cal.”

I grinned just as a flutter of warmth sank deep into my chest. It pushed the cold, nasty urge to drink just a little further down. “Sounds good to me.”

I followed him inside, completely unsurprised at the tornado known as Fishbowl that came rushing at me. He was all paws and wiggles and tail wagging, huffing and puffing at me with excitement. I bent down to scratch his ears and let him climb all over me excitedly, waiting to see if he’d pee. “Hi, bud. I see you. You’re just so excited, ain’t ya?” He didn’t say anything, of course. Just huffed and got right in my face with his little snout and big, expressive eyes.

“I’ll leave you two for now.” Crew nudged my ankle with his foot.

I looked up just as Callum walked into the living room. His eyes didn’t look as red, but he still carried sadness in them. A deep, soul-crushing sadness I knew I could do nothing about because I couldn’t bring back the dead. If I could, I would.

I’d do anything for him.

He stopped just past the threshold, barely moving even as Crew brushed past him. He just stared at me, his face completely neutral. “You shaved.”

It took me a second to realize what he was saying. I stood up from petting Fishy, rubbing my chin out of habit. I’d gotten so tired of staring in the mirror and not recognizing the man in the reflection that I’d finally shaved my beard and mustache off. It was just another way for me to hide, and I didn’t want to hide anymore.

Nodding, I ignored the way Fishy was whining at my feet for more attention. “Yeah, I did.”

Callum didn’t say anything else. He didn’t close the distance. He was waiting—waiting for me to make the choice. Waiting for me to go to him instead of waiting for him to come to me. So I did. I went to him, walking until we were right in front of each other, barely a step in between us.

He looked over every inch of my face before searching for something in my eyes. Again, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was for disappointment. But he wouldn’t get that this time.

Years of pain. Years of missing each other. Years of questions unanswered, cries unheard, and sleepless, dreamless nights without each other. They all passed in the space between us, a distant howl. Callum’s shoulders rose as he took in a short breath. Could he feel it, too?

I stepped closer, forcing the distance away. I’d been gone for too long. I’d missed out on too much. It was time. “I’m ready, Cal.”

His shoulders dropped, the tension in his muscles fading away almost immediately. “You’re ready?”

“I’m here, and I’m ready. I’m ready to be who you deserve. I’m ready to be sober. I’m ready to try.”

I watched his lips twitch as he slowly reached out, cradling my face in his hands. “Don’t be anyone except yourself, Tobes. You’re all I want. Just you.”

Our noses touched as I leaned forward, feeling his breath on my face. I closed my eyes just as he started to close his. “Just me?”

It was nothing more than an exhale when he spoke. A waft of warm air against my cheek. “Just you. And Fishy, of course.”

When his lips finally touched mine, it felt like my soul could finally relax. There was no danger hiding around the corner. There was no impending cycle waiting to pick me up and throw me back in. Nothing mattered. Nothing else existed.

Nothing but Callum, the name I’d tried to forget for so long. The man I’d written vows for. The first man to ever give me a choice. The man I’d tried so hard to push away in fear of corrupting his perfect, innocent soul.

I took a deep breath through my nose, slowly letting it out as I tilted my head to take his lips again. He tasted like everything I’d deprived myself of since I was twenty-two. Happiness. Safety. Sobriety. I wasn’t numb. I wasn’t afraid.

One of his fingers curled just beneath my ear as he pulled me impossibly closer. I cradled the back of his neck, holding on so I wouldn’t get whisked away. I felt so light, I was terrified I’d float away if I let go.

I wasn’t sure who pulled away first, but our foreheads came together as we breathed each other in. Callum was the first to speak, whispering to me. “I’ve been waiting for you. Been waiting for that.”