Page 32 of The Intimacy of Finding You

I let the tears come. I didn’t really even have a choice as they slid down my cheeks.

“And if that diamond ring turns brass, Papa’s gonna buy you a looking glass.”

I cried for Tobi. I cried for the years we’d lost. I cried for my mom and dad. I cried for Papa, who loathed his aging body. I cried because I was anxious. I cried because I didn’t think I was good enough. I cried because, even after all this time, even at thirty-three, Papa’s voice seemed to soothe an ache in my chest I wasn’t sure anything else could ever reach. But his voice was shakier now. And he had a harder time breathing in between each verse.

I cried because all I could do was pretend, but sometimes pretending wasn’t enough.

chapter seventeen

The room was small, but it was so warm. The cot wasn’t the most comfortable thing I’d ever felt, but it was so much better than the pavement. It was better than anything I’d had in months.

Jack had convinced me to stay in his little makeshift room until after Christmas, since there’d be so much snow coming through. I almost felt guilty for finally agreeing, but the amount of fight I’d put up made it worth it. I knew there was a chance Callum had a hand in it, but I didn’t really mind. At least not while I was beneath a thick, soft blanket with clean clothes on and a small lamp beside me to keep everything from going pitch black.

I pulled out my phone again, which only worked on Wi-Fi. Thankfully, Jack had felt even more generous and gave me the password so I could use it while I was in here. It was almost eleven at night on Christmas Eve, and I had nowhere to be. No one to care too much about me.

My eyes felt heavy, but my body was on high alert. I was fighting with my brain so much, I wasn’t sure if it’d shut off long enough to let me fall asleep.

A knock at the door had me jolting, sitting upright immediately. My arms felt shaky, and my head started to swim immediately. “Uh, hello?” I didn’t think anyone was supposed to come by.

“It’s me, Callum. Can I come in?”

Callum was here? “Yeah, it’s unlocked.” I closed my eyes to try to stave off the dizziness. The doorknob turned slowly as Callum pushed the door open, holding a bag with what looked like containers in it. “What are you doing here?”

He stopped right in the doorway. “Oh, I can go if that’s what you want. I just… ” He shrugged. “It’s Christmas Eve. I have to go somewhere tomorrow, so I don’t know if I’ll make it here, but I wanted to be here with you. Celebrate, or whatever.”

There wasn’t much worth celebrating, but it still warmed my heart just a little. Christmas used to be such a fun time for us. “Do you have keys to the place here or something? Jack said they were shutting down until after Christmas Day.”

He held up a set of keys. “I do. I’m as surprised as you are that Jack trusted me with them.”

“Yeah, I know how you are with losing them. What’s that?” I pointed at the bag in his hand.

“Oh, yeah.” He had to do a bit of a shuffle and pull a stool up close to the cot. The room wasn’t really made to fit more than one person and a few storage items. “I brought some food. I saw Pops today, and we had our Christmas dinner together. I helped him cook, and he sent me home with most of the leftovers, so I thought we could eat some of them together. I won’t be able to eat it all.”

I blinked at him as he set the containers on the edge of the cot in front of me. He’d brought me Christmas dinner? “I, um. I can’t promise I’ll eat much, either. My stomach is a bit off.”

“You look like you’re doing a lot better. Your voice is clearer. Is it…” He cleared his throat and looked down, taking the lid off one of the containers. There was turkey in it. Seasoned and juicy-looking turkey. God, I missed eating his turkey on the holidays. “Uh, is it from drinking? Your stomach being off, I mean.”

Right. I’d gotten pretty good at looking mostly sober when I was drunk, except for when I was too far gone. I rummaged through the bag he’d brought, grabbing a paper plate and a plastic fork from it. “I’m not drunk right now.” I couldn’t look at him. Why? Why did I almost feel ashamed of myself? So ashamed, I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes when I told him that, no, I hadn’t numbed myself into oblivion?

It took a second for him to say anything. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

He went right back to opening containers, waiting for me to pick out what I wanted. I picked up two small slices of turkey and one of the small baked potatoes. They’d already been heated up to a nice warm temperature—not too hot, but not cold either. The first bite of turkey had me closing my eyes and groaning. It was nothing like my mom’s back home, but it was pretty fucking good. Callum could really cook a turkey.

“Remember our first year having dinner with Papa together?” The bottle of water in his hand crinkled as he twisted the top. “I was so embarrassed when he started interrogating you right after asking if you’d pass the green beans.”

Oh, did I. That had been my first introduction to Grandpa Stanton, and I was an absolute nervous wreck. “I thought he hated me for most of the night. You had told me so many stories about him, I was shocked when he acted so cold toward me.”

“He just had to get to know you a little. He loved you to pieces after that first night.”

“How is he doin’?”

Callum sighed, setting his fork down. “He’s doing alright for now. He just got out of the hospital not too long ago. Same day you left the same hospital, actually. An infection spread, and it got really bad for a minute there. He has some heart problems, so that didn’t help. He’s getting older, and neither of us are ready to really accept that.”

Shit, his grandpa had been in the hospital at the same time I had been? I couldn’t imagine how that must’ve felt for him. “I’m so sorry, Cal. It must be really hard to see him like this.”

“Yeah. But he’s a stubborn bastard. I know he’s got years ahead of him still, but we’re prepared for more health issues. He was so healthy until around five years ago. Suddenly, his heart was bad, he needed more support with walking, his lungs started bothering him…” He shook his head. “It all happened at the same time. But I guess no matter how healthy someone is, old age will catch up to them eventually. But, uh, since we’re talking parental figures, how’s your mom?”