Page 64 of Christmas Coffee

Nova

Ilean my head on the window of the train, watching the world rush by in a blur of white. The tears finally dried up and I stare at my reflection as the world dies in my ears. I keep hearing his voice, seeing his face—the shock, the confession—he knows about Frank Cecil. Even Tinselly doesn’t know all of that. Sure, she knows that I hit Frank in the head with a trophy and then did the same to the cop, but the rest—no one knew except me and Frank.

When I scanned the papers, it wasn’t just line items and dates. It was written out. I saw the bottom of the first page, where it said I confessed. I didn’t have to keep reading to know that all the details would be there. That record was supposed to be erased, gone. I stayed out of trouble. I did my part. I didn’t assault anyone else or have problems with cops again after that night.

Truth be told, I wouldn’t have touched the officer, but I was in shock. That was determined later. Something he said triggered my fight or flight response, which was still roaring in my ears. I didn’t run. I stayed and fought the cop who was trying to help me. I reacted without thought. My arm swung and the trophy hit his temple hard. I can still see the crimson trail on his dark skin. Even so, he didn’t yell at me. The policeman was patient and tried again to find out what happened with Frank. He wanted to know how my arm broke, but there were no words. I remember my heart racing so hard that I thought it would burst as sweat trickled down my spine. The roar in my ears was deafening. If I think about it too much now, it comes back. The past and the present collide and it’s terrifying because I can’t separate the memory from reality. They merge together and maul me.

Assaulting a cop is a felony. They took me to the station and processed me. I spent the night in a holding cell, alone, as they pressed me for answers that I couldn’t give. They sent in a shrink, a female cop, and a CPS agent. I said what I needed to say to leave, to show them I was fine, but they all knew I wasn’t. Later, they determined I was psychologically unstable when the officer approached me. Sometimes people don’t realize when they can stop fighting. The shrink told me I was stuck like that. I just nodded. Mom bailed me out the next day and the charges were eventually dropped, but the arrest record was still there. No one understood what happened. Mom thought I broke my arm and then threw a fit, hitting Frank with the trophy. I didn’t contest her theory, so that’s what she believed. The young cop, the one I struck, took pity on me and spent his own money to have my record expunged. Nothing should have shown up on that search.

I swallow hard, knowing that there’s a good chance Celyn raced to Tinselly’s to cut me off. If he tells her what I did that night, I’ll lose it. I protected her from that man—from Frank—for as long as I can remember. I don’t want her to find out. I need to get there first.

When the train reaches my station, I jump off and race down the street as fast as I can manage without falling on my ass. I’m running for Tinselly, now. My mind is singularly focused on keeping Celyn away from her. When I get to the house, my car is parked out front and his is missing. Thank God. Traffic must be at a crawl because of the weather. It’s late, but her front door is cracked, light shining onto the snow in the yard. She’s home.

I rush up her shoveled steps and pull open the door. “Tinselly.” I say her name in a rush and when I see her standing there in her red holiday sweater, I run to her, and throw my arms around my sister. She hugs me back and it’s not until I look up that I see Celyn standing behind her, a black form in that dark cashmere coat.

I freeze in Tinselly’s arms. She takes the moment to back toward the door to trap me inside. She says carefully, “Nova, it’s time to stop running from this.”

I glare at Celyn. “You told her?” I didn’t think he would. Part of me didn’t want to believe that he’d be malicious with the information, but when Celyn doesn’t deny it what’s left of my sanity collapses.

Tinselly watches me with worry pinching her face. “Nova, you can’t keep running.”

I round on Celyn. “How could you?” My eyes flash with fury as I rush him, my fists pounding into his chest. “She didn’t know!”

Tinselly tries to peel me off but I push her away. “Nova, stop!”

Celyn wraps his arms around me and pins me against his chest. Tinselly steps back, but doesn’t leave the room. I buck and kick against him, screaming the entire time. Tears streak my face as I thrash. “How could you do it? How could you tell her? She spent her entire life hiding from that man! I made sure he didn’t touch her! I STOPPED HIM!”

I feel Tinselly’s eyes on me, but it’s not until Celyn releases me that I notice the quietness of her voice. “What are you talking about?”

I sniffle and look into her face, and then back at Celyn’s. “About Frank, about that night at Mom’s house—how he threatened to rape you. He wanted you, Tinselly. I heard him saying it and…” my voice trails off. There’s no recognition in her eyes. She doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

Tinselly’s face crumples and her voice shakes, “Nova, oh God. I didn’t know.” Her hands are pressed tightly together and she holds them to her lips. “No one knew why you attacked him and you never said anything. Why didn’t you tell me?”

My bottom lip quivers as I try to hold it together, but I’m failing. I almost failed her then and I failed her now because I couldn’t shelter her from this knowledge. “Because he was still there and he kept looking at you like that. What was I supposed to do? I made sure you felt as safe as possible and I told him I’d do worse next time. I stayed until he left, until he broke up with Mom and walked out. I threatened him, Tinselly, and I had every intention of following through if he went near you. I couldn’t let him do that to you.”

Tinselly’s face is streaked with tears. She stands there mute, her fingers pressed to her face.

I feel Celyn watching me. Anger mixes with pain and remorse for having the story come out like this, now. It’s Christmas Eve. Tinselly should be kissing her little ones goodnight and playing Santa, not dealing with this shit. Not finding out that her little sister is completely warped, that there’s a very scary person living inside of me. I didn’t want her to know. I never planned to tell her.

I bite my lip and try to hold it together when I address Celyn. “I would have told you if you’d given me enough time, but you had to go behind my back.”

“Nova—” He starts, raising his palms, stepping toward me.

I shake my head and step back. “But you couldn’t wait. I thought you were a piece of shit when I first met you, an arrogant rich brat that thinks he can buy anything and everything. Well, fuck you, Celyn Ryan.” I hear it. His name, the first and last names together places his uncle’s face—that voice.

Celyn pales as he holds up his hands and steps toward me. He tries, “Nova, please, I tried to tell you.”

I smile bitterly and feel the corners of my lips quiver as they fight between a sadistic smile and horror. “Celyn Ryan. You’re that spoiled brat that nearly bankrupted Bardenbey. I remember the papers that day, and how your greediness pushed out a drug that wasn’t ready and it killed people.” Horrible things are streaming through my mind, so close to coming out of my mouth. I temper the words, but not enough. “Your uncle saved your ass back then. Apparently he’s not as forgiving now and frankly, neither am I.”

Celyn backs away toward the door. Tinselly tries to stop him, “Celyn, wait.”

But he doesn’t stop. He says nothing countering my claims.

I narrow my eyes and it takes everything in me to remain where I am. “Let him leave. He’s a coward, he always will be.”

“Nova,” Tinselly sounds horrified, but Celyn finally takes the cue and leaves without a word.

I sit down hard on the couch and bawl into my hands.