Page 44 of Doran

She stopped.

Everything inside me went still.

My mother stood there with one hand gripping the rail, her eyes swollen and her face pale.

She looked at me. She didn't move, and neither did I. I could feel the anger still burning inside me. I could remember every awful minute since I’d heard she'd driven away, and every word of blame she’d uttered when my marriage to Harold ended. But I could also see the woman who had raised me. The woman who had held me when I was sick. The woman who had once been the person I ran to when the world frightened me.

And now? Now she looked frightened of me.

She took one step down.

“Sarah.”

I swallowed.

“Mom.”

She flinched.

“I don't know what to say.”

“I know.”

“I am sorry.” The words were barely audible. She took another step. “I am so, so sorry. I drove off and thought, what the hell have I just done? So I found a safe place to stop, and then I sat there, thinking of every shitty thing I’ve said or done to you. And I regretted every one of them because it drove you farther away from me.”

I wanted to tell her sorry wasn't enough. I wanted to demand answers as to why she’d ever thought her words and actions had been okay. I had the feeling she didn’t know why either, not really. I’d wanted to make her understand how badly she'd hurt me, and it looks like she did.

That didn't erase what she'd done, of course. It simply made it more complicated in a way that just maybe I didn’t really need to unravel.

She reached the ground and stopped several feet away, giving me the choice.

That mattered. It gave weight to her apology.

I licked my lips, looking at her trembling hands as I made my decision.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“You're really here.”

She nodded.

“I am.”

I glanced toward my children. They were safe. My father was next to me. Doran was beside me, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I looked back into her eyes and saw my mother was truly here. The one I’d missed all these years and who had been replaced by someone else who merely looked like her.

The relief that swept through me was so powerful my knees almost weakened. I took one step toward her. She didn't move. I took another.

“I thought I'd lost you,” she whispered once I was only a few steps away.

“You didn't.”

“I thought you were all leaving me. I thought…I thought if I delayed, you’d find a way to come back.”

“We weren't, and I wouldn’t.”

“I know that now.”