Page 28 of A Solid Guide to Surviving a Situationship

“I’m not crazy,” I said defensively, pacing back and forth, trying to make sense of everything. “I know I saw my exes.”

Andre snorted. “Relax. You did. We all did.”

I stopped.

“What?”

“You did,” Andre repeated, way too calm. “All three.”

I stared at them.

“I knew it!”

“You literally came back to the table, hands over your head, like this—” he mimicked my look from last night— “and then said, ‘What in the Mamma Mia?’ like you were in that movie.”

“And then you puked,” Andi added, “on the table.”

“Liar!” I said dismissively. “I pulled the metal bucket.”

“And you did puke on the table still,” Andi said, shaking her head.

“And then you passed out,” Andre finished.

I blinked slowly.

“You passed out mid-panic,” Andre said. “Very dramatic. Ten out of ten performance.”

I put a hand on the counter.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “This doesn’t make any sense. Why would all three of them be there?”

“Because the universe hates you,” a voice muttered from the couch.

I turned, and Honey sprawled there like she had been abandoned mid-existence.

“Like how I hate you disturbing my sleep now,” she added.

“Sorry,” I said automatically.

She did not respond. Just adjusted slightly and sighed like the world had personally offended her.

I walked over and dropped onto the couch, right at her feet.

“Okay, then what happened next, after I passed out?” I asked.

“I need silence,” Honey complained.

“You’re getting participation, lady!” I said, nudging her leg.

From upstairs, footsteps came.

Mel appeared seconds later, hair still a mess, looking like she was ready to fight anyone who made eye contact.

“Why are we all awake?” she asked.

“Because apparently I saw all my exes last night and nobody thought to wake me up and tell me life was falling apart,” I said.

Mel paused. Then nodded. “Oh, yeah, that happened.”