Page 82 of Broken

Lilly would never ride a horse. She doubted that her weakened body would allow it. She would never travel far. The stress of even a short carriage ride had always produced the strongest pains. She could not even dance very much. Her body was just not strong enough to allow her to engage in much beyond a simple walk, followed by a generous amount of time wallowing on a well-padded surface.

She would make him a very poor wife and companion, indeed which was why she feared he’d soon come to regret his rash offer of marriage.

Giles was a very physical man, and not just in bed. He was always moving. Lilly could make love to him, produce his heir, but the thought of childbirth—even of carrying the child—gave her a great fear. She had a memory of someone once saying she would not be woman enough to produce a child. She rather thought they might be right.

Without Giles, her life would still be shrouded in misery. But now she knew she could plan for the future. She could not imagine having another man’s hands on her skin. But she thought she could bear the touch of a woman.

If she engaged the services of a kindly female companion Lilly could explain what to do for her pains.

As she rounded the pond, she remembered the small stone bench on a side path and headed in that direction.

As she neared the bench, a gray shape resolved into her papa’s form. He was sitting forward with his hands on his knees, staring down at the ground. He must have heard her, for he looked up sharply then let out a deep sigh. He seemed so relieved to see her that she obediently leaned down to kiss his cheek, and then sat beside him.

“Good morning, daughter. I am glad to see you up and about so early. Lord Daventry appears to have looked after you very well last night.” His compliment made her blush and she didn’t know how to reply.

“Lilly, there is no need to be embarrassed with me. The fault is all mine. Lord Daventry has quite a reputation with the ladies, and it was remiss of me to have left you alone with him. I hoped that you would be comfortable here. Not that he… Not that you would…”

“You mean you did not think he would be interested in a broken woman.”

“I did not say that,” he said quickly.

“But it is the truth, Papa, whether you wish it or not.” Lilly sighed. She preferred to live her life in reality, not fantasy. Marrying Giles was pure fantasy.

“Well, that is neither here nor there. He has compromised you and done the decent thing by offering to marry you again. He has accepted there are consequences to his actions, and that is the end of it.”

“There can be no consequences when a particular event has not taken place, Papa.” Lilly would have him know the truth before it was too late.

“Not taken place? But…you have shared his bed. Surely…he…you…?” He trailed off.

“Shared a bed, certainly, Papa. But the rest, he has not.” Lilly looked forward at the swirling fog and hid a grimace. She was lying by leaving out what sharing a bed with Giles had entailed. If there was any way to save Giles from this marriage she had to do it now. “It is true he has made me well but I will not allow Giles to give up his life to take care of me.” She still had a chance of making her own choices if her father could be convinced it was the right thing to do for everyone. “What did you see in Wales, Papa? Was the estate acceptable?”

“How do you know about that?”

The surprise in his voice convinced her to go on. “The night of your return, I listened outside the dining room and heard you tell Giles about the nice old lady and spinster daughter in Scotland. I asked Giles about it later that night. He told me the truth, Papa. He does not lie to me as you do.”

Lilly watched her father gulp down his guilt and understood his dilemma. If he admitted to the plan, he would be admitting to being tired of caring for her. After all these years, she would be tired too.

She patted his hand. “It is all right. I am very grateful for the time you have spared for me these past years. It cannot have been an easy task, and I know you must have given up a great deal of your freedom to care for me and keep mother away. The far estate is a good choice. Can I take a companion with me, do you think? I should like that better than a nurse. Tell me about the place I will go to live.”

Her father raised his hands to his face, but she did not turn to see whether he wiped away tears. Parting would be painful enough when the time came to head west.

In halting words, he told her about the house and grounds. Since there was also a small village nearby, she might even make friends and have visitors.

Lilly did not ask if he would be one of them. Why else would he choose a place so far away if he wished to be free of her?

“Now, I want to know what you spoke to Giles about earlier in his study. He would not tell me.”

“We did not want to worry you.”

“Papa, I am worried now. What could possibly make a man like Daventry shout?”

“Giles is a better man than I gave him credit for,” he chided.

“Papa, you are blind to his faults. He is a man most suitable and happy to seduce any woman. How can you be happy to have such a notorious skirt-chaser in your family? You cannot be keen on this alliance.”

“As a matter of fact, I have no issues with you marrying Lord Daventry. He does care for you. He told me that yesterday, and I believed him. You will be marrying Lord Daventry, Lillian. Just as soon as the matter can be arranged.”

“No, I will not.” She stood and looked down at her father. “You cannot make me say the words or sign the register. I am going to Wales as you’ve already begun to plan. What did you discuss with him?”