Page 67 of Heavy Crown

I did that.

For another second I search her face—sad. She’s sad. The realization tightens the vise around my chest.

She says nothing, but she seems to be drinking me in with the same thirst.

“I have a surprise for you,” I say, and I thrust my hands into the pockets of my sweatpants to stop myself from reaching for her. “I have to take you there, if you’re willing.”

Her teeth snag her bottom lip, and when I meet her gaze, I’m sure she’ll say no. She maintains eye contact, and I wonder if she’s cataloguing all the reasons coming with me is a bad idea the same way I did while I walked over here. Didn’t stop me. Will they stop her?

“What do you want from me, Alex?”

Everything. Anything she’s willing to give. So many things I can’t have for reasons beyond my control.

“I’ve been miserable for a long time. I’m not even sure I recognized it as misery. But what I do recognize, what I’ve understood for years, is that I’m fucking lonely, Rory. When I’m with you, I’m not either of those things.”

A sheen of tears coats her green eyes. “Alex,” she whispers, and she closes the distance between us, drawing me into a hug.

I squeeze her tight and savor the feel of her slight body pressed against mine. “You make me feel less alone,” I rasp. “I’m being selfish, but I can’t stay away from you.”

When she draws back, she frames my face and searches my expression with renewed tenderness. “Show me your surprise.”

I lace my fingers with hers and lead her down the path toward the other part of my apology. For however long Rory will let me cling onto her, onto the way I feel when I’m around her, I’m doing it. The heaviness that’s dogged me this week has lifted.

We can’t have forever, but we’ve got right now, and that counts for something.

twenty-six

Rory

After Alex told me he’s been lonely and miserable most of his life, he probably could have picked me up, taken me anywhere, and I wouldn’t have let out one peep of dissent.

From my doorway, he leads me down a path I haven’t walked. The estate is huge, and I tend to stick to familiar routes for fear of getting lost. Nothing quite like texting the future king to tell him I need to be rescued from somewhere on the property.

“Can I ask where we’re going?”

Alex chuckles. “You can. But I won’t tell you.”

We keep walking, and I’m not sure whether I should broach what’s going on between us again or let it rest. The truth is I’ve missed Alex more in the last few days than I’ve missed Derrick in the last few weeks after two years together. The difference is stunning. Alex is woven into the fabric of my life on the estate. Every inch of this place reminds me of him.

Despite our connection, I’m supposed to be going to Café Plutus tomorrow night as part of Derrick’s apology tour. Do I tell Alex about my dinner date? We’re in such a tenuous position, I’m not sure of the right move. If he was truly my friend, I’d tell him. If he was my boyfriend, I’d cancel with Derrick.

Alex says we can’t be together, even as he does things that make me feel like we’re together.

Screw it. I told him we were done if he wasn’t willing to face what’s between us. Be bold, Rory.

“You didn’t answer my question back at my cottage,” I say. “About what you want from me.” His admission of loneliness and misery, though touching and important, didn’t exactly define whatever we are. With Derrick, I skirted around issues to avoid confrontations, and my reluctance led me to find him in bed with another woman. Avoidance doesn’t make a problem go away.

“Look,” Alex says, pointing ahead of us.

Down the path is a horse trailer, and a tingling sensation starts behind my breastbone and spreads to my fingertips. “Is that… you didn’t, did you?”

“I called in a favor,” Alex says, and he tucks his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants. “Lots of places we can go on the estate, if you want?”

“You know how to ride?” He never mentioned anything before.

He grimaces. “Had to learn polo as a kid to schmooze with the British royals.” He gestures toward the trailer. “Edward taught me, and he agreed to bring two of his horses here tonight for us to ride. A sunset ride. Just an hour or so.”

“Hockey on a horse,” I muse. “I should have known you’d have another skill you’d been required to learn.”