Page 117 of Heavy Crown

I should be at work in the kitchen, but Joyce texted and told me she’d send me home if I showed up. Instead, I’m standing at my kitchen island, staring sightlessly at a pamphlet and information package Dr. Bennett gave me yesterday before I left his office.

So many options, and none of them the one I want.

After my confrontation with Alex last night, I came home and lay in bed staring at my ceiling, stuck in a pit of guilt and despair. I didn’t tell him about the baby, and I can’t stop thinking about how he couldn’t even look at me when he proposed I become his mistress.

His absolute certainty we’re beyond any avenue to be together crushed me. If I told him about the baby, would he try to convince me to get an abortion? Hide the child? Take my baby? If I give birth here, he’ll never let his child leave the island, which will mean I’ll be tied here forever too. Doomed to watch him fall in love with Simone, have children with her, declare them the rightful heirs to the throne. What sort of life is that?

When I went to his room, I hoped he’d agree to run away with me, and then I’d tell him I was pregnant. As long as he was leaving, I could share the news with him. He wouldn’t be angry. He’d be happy. We’d be together and a family. In my head, it made perfect sense.

But the longer we talked, the more the reality of how far apart we’ve drifted, how firmly entrenched he’s become in another path, set in. He won’t leave, so I can’t tell him.

There’s a knock on my front door, and I glance at the clock. Alex is long gone to Denmark. At the door, I check the peephole.

I crack open the door, and Posey’s brown eyes scan me.

“Shit,” she says. “Why didn’t you call me? Joyce said you were in rough shape, but you’ve been avoiding me.”

“I’ve been avoiding everyone,” I admit, and I leave the door to let her in. Between puking and fits of crying, I haven’t been good company. At the couch, I collapse into it.

Posey closes the door and comes to sit beside me. “Is this...” She bites her lip. “Is this because of Alex?”

I let out a harsh laugh. “In a nutshell? Yes. I’m just so miserable, and I can’t seem to haul myself out. I think I need to go home, but I’m wrestling with that because it’s not what I really want.”

Posey sits with her arms crossed and purses her lips. She claps her hands. “Tea. We need tea. Big decisions are best made with a cup of tea.”

She sounds like Alex with his love for British tea, and the thought makes my stomach roll. Posey heads to the kitchen, and I jump off the couch to run to the bathroom. I make it to the toilet in time to lose the little breakfast I managed to eat, but I didn’t get a chance to close the door.

Posey appears at the edge of the bathroom, my pregnancy pamphlet in her hand. “It’s not just heartbreak, huh?”

I wipe my mouth with toilet paper, and tears well up in my eyes. How could I forget I left those on the kitchen island? I sit on the edge of the bathtub and cover my face with my hands.

Posey sits on the tile floor cross-legged. “Are you going to tell him?”

Such a simple question with an impossible answer. “You won’t tell him, will you?”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t want an abortion.”

“But you’re not going to tell him?” Her voice is gentle, and there isn’t even a hint of accusation.

I take a deep breath and ease my hands down the sides of my face. “I went to see him last night. I asked him.” My voice cracks. “I asked him to run away with me. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’m not sure I would have gone even though I’m so miserable. My heart is so heavy. I wouldn’t have wanted him to be unhappy or resent me or anything. But now, it’s not just me.”

Posey presses her fingertips into her temples. “Oh, wow.”

I let out a mirthless laugh. “Close. His reaction was more like ‘oh, hell no’ in response to running away.” My hand shakes when I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “I didn’t tell him about the baby. After he said no, I was afraid of what he’d say or do or try to make me do.”

Posey draws her knees to her chest. “I don’t know what to tell you.”

“If you were me, knowing Alex like you do, what would you do?” I ask.

She purses her lips. “If you tell him you’re pregnant and keeping the baby, he’ll never let you leave Bellerive.”

Given that he’ll be the king, I can’t imagine I’d have much control over anything in that situation. My mind has been overloaded since I left his wing of the palace. A constant stream of unhelpful thoughts. “His reaction last night makes me think I was right to tell him no in the first place. If he really wanted to leave, to be with me, he would have said yes, wouldn’t he? Even if it was complicated? Even if my yes was three weeks late?”

Posey seems lost in thought for a moment. “He’s not normally impulsive.” Her lips twist. “I don’t suppose you’d let me call my sister?”

“No! No. You cannot tell Julia. I shouldn’t even—you shouldn’t even know. I don’t want anyone to know.”