Page 134 of Scarred Crown

The question hits me with more force than I’d expect. “Pause is a good plan.” The response tumbles out before I can properly consider it.

She takes a shaky breath, and her chin trembles. “Okay.” Without waiting for anything else from me, she removes her phone from a pocket as she strides down the hallway.

I’m a fucking asshole. Why did I say that?

Before I can run after her, Kafil is clapping me on the shoulder. “Breakfast?”

For a beat, I stare after Julia’s diminishing figure in the hallway. What would I say if I went after her? I don’t even know. My father is dying, and my wife didn’t tell me. Can I ever be okay with that?

“Yeah,” I agree. “Breakfast.”

###

We’re flanked with security when we leave the hospital, but I’m so used to their presence, I hardly notice it. They’re helpful to have right now given the referendum storm that kicked off yesterday. While we walk down the street, random citizens call out their opinions to me, but I don’t respond.

“Seems the referendum news is popular,” Kafil comments.

“Everyone loves a debate.” Or at least I used to. The stakes have never been so personal before.

“I don’t even understand why it’s a question.” Kafil shakes his head.

“Me either,” I mutter.

“Who would ever wish to see someone or something suffer?”

“You’re in favor of it?” I’m not sure why I assumed he wouldn’t be. Maybe because we always think other people should fall on the side we believe in.

Kafil takes a deep breath. “I fall on the side of empathy.”

“I fall on the side of hope,” I counter.

A brief smile blooms on Kafil’s face. “Empathy is where the head and the heart meet. There is nothing more that can be done to cure someone. That’s the head. The suffering someone I love is experiencing can be ended. That’s the heart.”

“A solution might be found right after someone chooses to die.”

“That’s the heart masquerading as the head.” Kafil touches his chest, and then he touches his temple. “Sometimes we lead with the heart. Sometimes we lead with the head.”

“I can’t get behind this,” I admit. “Doesn’t feel right to me.” The thought of sitting at my father’s bedside, knowing he’s dying settles a crushing weight across my lungs.

“Life is about figuring out when to cling on and when to let go. We all reach those conclusions in our own time. But denying someone else the right to make that conclusion for themselves will never be right.”

I’m quiet while we walk, absorbing his words. Is that what I’d be doing? Denying my father the option to make one final choice in his life?

“Are you and Julia arguing about this?” Kafil asks.

“What makes you say that?” I peer at him.

“The tension between the two of you in the waiting room almost choked me.”

“We’re not seeing eye-to-eye on a few things.” I shove my hands into the pockets of my pants.

“The first time I saw you look at her, I knew there was more to your story. Probably why that reporter latched on to it so quickly.”

Curiosity sparks in me. “How do I look at her?”

“Like she is the sun.” He grins. “Who wouldn’t want to bask in its glow?”

Having him mention basking in Julia’s glow brings forth a spark of jealousy. Ridiculous. Why would I be jealous of Kafil? My annoyance at myself grows. I need to get my head on straight. All these stupid, unproductive thoughts.