Page 112 of Fallen Rook

“I know that based on the fact I googled his name and found his obituary.”

The look on his face could only be described as well, fuck. Hardly reassuring, circumstances and all.

I didn’t know what was more embarrassing—the fact that I’d stalked his dead boyfriend online, or that I wasn’t even dignified enough to hide it. For a moment, Tom just stared at me like I’d ripped his heart from his chest. I exhaled, the black sludge inside me spreading wider and thicker.

“You don’t know what it feels like, competing with a dead man,” I said quietly.

“What?”

“I—”

“Stop.” He raised his palm. “I’m not doing this here. Let’s get back to bed.”

I huffed. “No.”

“Then get the fuck out.”

“What?” It was my turn to be scandalized.

“You can have doubts. You’re allowed to freak out. Ask questions. Fuck, I even find the occasional stalking endearing.” His voice was back to being steady, callous, uncaring. “All of this, I can handle. But I won’t have you running around, jumping in and out of my bed every time something doesn’t suit you. You wanna talk about Matt? We’ll talk about Matt. In bed. While I eat my dinner.”

Was it weird that I was happy he was giving me shit? In my twisted mind, it meant that he cared.

I followed him back into the bedroom and let him strip me naked again. Then we settled back in bed, and he returned to his food.

“Okay. You were saying?” He took a juicy bite of a dolma.

“I know you’re still in love with Matt, I know that you didn’t see me this week because you’re still mourning him, and I know that the eighth anniversary of his death is more disruptive to you than anything else. Our deal is that this is exclusive, but casual. It still is. A future for us is impossible. But I draw the line at cosplaying as your dead lover. Because the person you made love to tonight? That person wasn’t me. You can love him without disrespecting me. The technology does exist.”

I clamped my mouth shut, panic fluttering through my bloodstream. Was I going to lose him over this? My argument didn’t even make sense. I was just jealous and didn’t know how to convey it.

“Are you done?” Tom set his plate down.

“Pretty much.”

“Good. So, I’m not in love with Matt anymore. I did love him. I mourn him every day, and I’ll always miss him. But we weren’t right for each other. This week has been hard, it will always be hard, but it’s not something that threatens to rip my life to shreds, and the person I just had sex with was you. Not him. You. I won’t get into the nitty-gritty of it, because I have too much respect for both of you, but our sexual chemistry is unique and different from what I had with Matt. Today was slower and more passionate simply because we were both in that kind of mood.”

“You usually manhandle and spank me.”

“You like being manhandled and spanked.”

I really did. Fuck, I loved how dominant he was. It’s just that this softer side of him was great, too.

“We can do it any way you like, though,” he said calmly. “At any point, you can change your mind.”

“So…you didn’t pretend I was him?” I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Baby, I can never ignore your presence. It fills up the entire room. Probably the entire planet.”

I worried my lower lip. “So what’s with all the puzzles and mess around your house?”

Tom sighed. “I solve puzzles when I need to reorganize my thoughts, and I decided to order in because I’m trying my hand at letting go of complete control.”

“Why do you need to let go of control?”

He stared at me like I was the reason. But that couldn’t be, because if I meant so fucking much to him, he wouldn’t actively avoid seeing me every chance he could.

“And work,” I said accusingly. “You told me you were busy with work, and you haven’t even been there in three days.”