Page 85 of Till Death Do Us Part

They had an old Lester upright, not very good quality, a little out of tune. Probably a great-grandparent’s inheritance. And the girl was playing, little hands performing a Tchaikovsky’s children’s piece, and Anton was nodding along. I gripped the gun so tightly I thought it might have broken, my breath coming ragged, watching the performance, terrified for her, for a girl I didn’t know. And when she played a wrong note, I felt the panic like I was the one who’d done it.

But Anton didn’t stop her, didn’t hit her, didn’t shake her and tell her it’s like you’re trying to disappoint me, didn’t make her start from the beginning. Instead, she looked up at him, the music slowing, and he nodded, showing her the right chord. She took a second to arrange her hand and press the right notes, and she kept going, her shoulders a little higher, and Anton kept nodding along like he was just enjoying the music.

I didn’t kill him.

It was like I was trying to disappoint my father.

Instead, I staggered out of the house, tears hot on my face the whole way, and I left the gun in a safe drop point. I took the car to the Century Building, a piece of old Baroque-style architecture in the north side of town, and I snuck in and up to the roof. And once I was there in the cold, biting wind, I stared out over the drop below as I gripped the fence so tightly I thought it might have sliced through my fingers.

It would have been so easy. Even with the ragged metal edges on the top, I could have jumped the fence, taken one step out into the abyss, and this would all be done.

I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to go back and see my father again. I didn’t want to hear the roar of anger and feel the sting of his belt, not now that I knew what it could have looked like. Not when I would have been thinking of that little girl who knew her father was proud of her.

So I climbed the fence.

The fence was still there, the same as it had been. A little more rusted. Old and tired like we all were.

Elaine looked curiously at me as I gripped the fence in my hand, like I had back then, leaning against it.

I didn’t know why I was doing this. Was I really planning on telling her about my life? About my past?

I flashed back to that moment an hour ago, when I’d been raging in her face, a cold, unfeeling creature, and her eyes… how she looked at me like she cared.

Unbelievable. I was falling for Elaine Whitner.

Up until recently, I would never have even believed I could have feelings for somebody. This inconvenient thing was rapidly becoming all-consuming.

To think I was troubled by how much I was falling for my wife.

“Are you okay, Vera?” Elaine said, touching my elbow.

“I’m all right.” The way it came out didn’t sound all right. I gritted my teeth. “I haven’t been okay for a long time. No point in worrying now.”

“It is different now,” she whispered. “I’m here now. And I care.”

I rested my forehead against the fence. The sharp edges on the top, glistening in the moonlight, still sent a gut-wrenching uneasiness through me. The scale of the drop past it… the wind in my face this high up.

It didn’t suit me to be afraid. But I was.

No matter how hard he tried—no matter how hard they all tried—I was human.

I was a person.

And people felt fear.

“When I was sixteen years old, I was sent to kill a man who lived and worked in the docks district. Anton Graves. He hadn’t done anything, he was just inconvenient. Another group was using him as a mule without him knowing. I had to kill him and receive the delivery myself. But I couldn’t kill him.”

“How come?”

I didn’t know how to say it. I closed my eyes. “His daughter was there. She was on the piano. Playing Tchaikovsky’s Lark Song. He was… teaching her.”

I didn’t need to explain it any further. Elaine’s expression softened, and she stepped closer to me, her hand on my back. Not afraid of me. She should have been. Why wasn’t she?

“I came here. I was terrified of heights. I’ve numbed myself to it a lot now, but back then, I couldn’t step out onto a ledge. But I just thought… if I was going to die, I should do it that way. Falling to my death, the way I’d been supposed to. Everything terrible in my life had happened because I didn’t fall. Like the world was… punishing me because I hadn’t fallen.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I had to clear that debt. But I couldn’t.”

“Vera…”

“Not because I couldn’t make myself do it. I was halfway there. Already on top of the fence, ready to finally fall like I was supposed to. And then… he showed up.”