Page 83 of The Doctor

“Well, fuck them if they don’t. She’s an insensitive automaton, and you need to give yourself some grace. Now, come on.” I stood, scooping Sarah’s hand from her lap and tugging her out of her chair.

“What are we doing?”

“We’re going to tell your husband you need a break, and then you’re going to go take a nice long nap.”

“Clara, I can’t—”

“You can, and you will.”

Except she couldn’t. Because when I pulled her back into the living room, we found Arik asleep in the recliner while Zee was still pinned under the sleeping child.

“New plan.” I spun back around, dragging Sarah toward the stairs. “You and Arik are both going to get some rest—”

“But—”

I spun on her, stopping her with my raised palm. “Zee and I will take care of Chaya. We’ll stay all night if we have to. You and your husband could use a break, and that’s the least we can do for you.”

Tears flooded her eyes, and I caught sight of her trembling bottom lip before she was hugging me so hard, I couldn’t breathe. “Thank you, Clara. You’re a good friend.”

Swallowing hard, I peeled her off me. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

28

Clara

My mind spun as I pictured the chart Zee created for me. Each moment of the past few months seemed on repeat, each overheard conversation, each word spoken that tied the strings together one by one. I’d been lost in thought for hours, head in Zeno’s lap as he alternated between idly combing my hair with his fingers and dozing on Paulo’s couch.

“What are you doing?” Zeno settled his hand over both of mine, pushing them down to my stomach. The movement was enough to jolt me out of my head, causing me to lose track of the line of thought I’d been following.

Tipping my head back to look at him, I forced a smile I didn’t feel. “Just thinking.”

“You’re thinking really loudly.”

Across the room, Paulo and Nadia chuckled. “She’s been perfectly quiet.”

Zeno sighed, then pushed himself upright before scrubbing both hands down his face. The movement jostled me, forcing me to either sit up or fall to the floor.

“He’s just irritable.” I pulled my hair from my face, combing it back with my fingers. “He hasn’t gotten much sleep the past two nights.”

Zeno scowled my way, but it didn’t stick. Soon, he was reaching for me, cupping my cheek with his palm. “I haven’t gotten this little sleep since…”

He didn’t finish his thought, but he didn’t have to.

Since me.

Since I was sick as a child and my parents found every possible reason to dump me on Zeno’s doorstep. He’d told me, our first night staying over at Arik and Sarah’s, that he used to hold me the same way he’d been holding Chaya while she slept on his chest.

He’d pulled away from me after that. Sure, he tried to act like nothing had changed. But I could see his thoughts flickering in his eyes every time he looked my way.

Guilt.

He felt guilt that he’d fucked me when he so clearly remembered me when I was Chaya’s age. Nothing I did made any difference. Whether I stayed by his side and helped him as Chaya screamed and cried. Whether I took her to the bathroom and tried to calm her with a nice bath.

Whether I tried to go down on him or slept alone in my old bedroom while he slept upstairs.

It didn’t matter.

Lack of sleep and dealing with a crabby toddler so her parents could take a much-needed break, had nothing on his guilt.