Page 38 of The Saint

“Stop it,” he told me, voice low and dangerous. He looked away, up the empty street, while he held me still.

I grasped at his arms, trying to hold myself up, trying to get away.

“You don’t get it,” he said when he looked back down at me. “You have no idea how hard this is on me. I have tried, David. I tried to find you. I tried to forget you. I tried to live my life like you were never born. But it didn’t matter, none of it did. Because no matter what I did, I could always feel you buried in my soul.”

The hand at the back of my head shifted as his hold loosened, and his long fingers spread out across my skull and neck. “Today was absolute torture. Having you here, in my space.”

I pushed at his hands, trying to get free, but it only made him tighten his grip once again.

“Having you so close, wanting everything I promised myself I couldn’t have.”

He shifted again, removing his hand from my mouth and cupping the side of my head, holding me still, while lifting my face toward him.

My mouth was free, but no words formed on my tongue.

“Do you have any clue how frightening this is?” he whispered over the sounds of the cars driving by. “You broke my heart, David. All it’s ever wanted was you, and I’m terrified if I let you have it again, you’ll crush it and I’ll never be whole.”

His thumbs slid over the corners of my lips. Trying to silence me? Did he have more to say? His brow pinched, his lips curled in. Then his thumbs slid away, hands cupping the sides of my face. His head dipped, face coming closer to mine before pulling back again.

And I couldn’t take it anymore.

He already had me stretched out, spine as straight as it could go, feet barely touching the pavement as he forced me to focus, to listen to him. But I couldn’t help but listen to the voice inside of me. The voice that told me to do it, go after what I wanted, damn the consequences.

I rolled up into my toes, pushed off the ground, ready for resistance I hoped I wouldn’t find. And when my mouth crashed into his, it was as if my world was suddenly right.

Rolly didn’t open his mouth, didn’t kiss me the way he used to. The pillow of his lips was a hard line, softening only a little as the battle he was fighting inside himself blared like a siren between us.

But I couldn’t let go. We were right together, Rolly and me. I grabbed the collar of his shirt, pressing as close as I could get, promising with every last piece of me through that kiss.

Because we were meant to be together. I may have fucked up and left him before, but I would spend every minute of my life proving to him that this time would be different.

This time, I wasn’t going anywhere.

10

ROLLY

“You ready, David?”

She looked up at me from the water, that same strange mixture of pleasurable surprise and anticipation and shock on her face she’d had when I pulled up outside her apartment in my red sports car this morning. She bobbed in her place, shoulders just above the water, feet floating where they were strapped to the skis.

With that cocky smirk on her face, she lifted the handle attached to the ski rope over her head, giving it a shake.

“Ready when you are.”

“Hold on tight,” I warned with a rigid nod, then turned toward the wheel of my boat.

I was taking a risk, having her out there, me in here, with no one to watch her. But with Jael, I couldn’t bring myself to share. I wanted every minute I could get of her time. Every single ounce of her attention. I didn’t want anyone else here.

There was also that hidden fear inside of me I was indulging. The one that told me, this might not last. And did I really want to bring her around if she was just going to split? Hadn’t that been one of the most painful parts last time? Dealing with everybody else’s grief? The constant questions, the pitying looks, the well-meaning people who only made it worse?

No. I couldn’t do that again. I could hide my own heartache, bury my own grief until it slowly killed me.

But I couldn’t take it from anyone else.

Starting the engine, I glanced over my shoulder to where Jael bobbed in the ocean. Her legs were curled up to her chest, skis sticking out of the water just enough, her body ready and face serious as she waited for the fierce pull of the boat and water that would soon overtake.

She gave a quick wave, her sign that she was ready. And I pressed on the throttle, letting the boat move forward, gaining speed little by little. The ocean in front of me was wide open, no other boats for miles around. It gave me the ability to keep watch over my shoulder. To keep an eye on the girl.