Page 69 of Playing Hard to Get

I couldn't bring myself to care. Couldn't believe the shit that just went down. I rode the elevator to the main floor and pushed out onto the city streets. Stormed down the block seeing nothing but sand and blood. I rode the torrent of memories that tortured my soul.

The drug store called my name, like a siren tempting me to my death. My pace quickened and I dashed inside. I bought a pack of smokes and a lighter and left there feeling like blackness had taken over my life.

I quit because of him. Gave up smoking because he promised to give it up for his son. Samuel’s dark blue eyes, eyes that matched his father’s, flittered across my memory. I saw the sweet innocence of the child I loved like my own, and I hated myself for being so weak, for giving in to years of suppressing this addiction.

Their faces were in my mind. The blank looks of death that gripped their eyes. Still, all these years later, my heart ached like it was yesterday. That the living could hurt me more than the dead? I never would have expected it.

Then again…

Look what happened the last time I trusted Lee. I gave up my guard, my watch of the weeds that swayed in a non-existent breeze. Hell rained down upon us. Took down four men in the process, including my best friend.

All because I trusted him. Trusted Lee to make the right decisions. Trusted that he'd have my back. That he’d get us all out of there alive.

Maybe I should have questioned him more. Maybe I should have stood up to him, made him look around and see the wind in the weeds. Made him see what his decisions cost me.

Those men, my friends, my brothers. They were gone and wouldn't ever come back. And when they left this world, they took a little of my soul with them. Dragged me down into the depths of despair and pounded away at my will to keep living every night.

I found myself back at Frankie's building, sitting on the hot pavement with my back against the wall. I’d discarded my jacket somewhere along the way, to some homeless man who needed it more than me.

You couldn't take it with you when you were gone. And I was so close to gone.

The pavement bit into my palms. The burn of the cigarette lingered close to my skin. A pile of filters sat beside me. Each one burned itself out without once touching my lips. Sat there in between my fingers as I watched the fire consume its life in a puff of smoke.

Life being stamped out before my eyes.

“Mitch?”

Frankie's voice was filled with quiet concern, sounding a whole hell of a lot like a friend who might actually care. Wasn’t sure I could believe it. Wasn’t sure it wasn’t another lie, another way to get me to drop my guard and take away the things that mattered most to me.

I cringed away from her when she sat on the ground next to me. Tensed when her hands wrapped around my bicep and her head leaned against my shoulder.

“Mitch, I'm so sorry.”

My only response was to pull my hand up in front of me and watch the burning embers die. I tossed the butt to the pile on the ground and pulled out a new one. Frankie pulled away as my arm moved to light the new fag. She turned to me and I saw her cross her legs under her out of the corner of my eye.

“I didn't know you smoked.”

“I don't.”

The flame blazed slowly across the paper. I watched the trail of smoke drift up into the air, taking all the toxic poison out as it bled up into the sky. The cigarette burned in the thick silence between us. It was nearly gone before she spoke again.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

I snubbed the cigarette out against the pavement, then ran a hand down my face.

“I was trying to look out for you, Frankie.”

With my elbows on my knees, I held my forehead in my hands. When she didn't speak, I felt compelled to continue.

“I know how much this company means to you and Lee. I know how hard you've worked to get every single client on the books. I didn't want to ruin that for you.”

“You put up with all of that for me?”

Shrugging, I closed my eyes. Saw bright blue eyes shining back at me and I wanted to fall inside.

“When did you start taking videos?”

So, she didn’t know. I lost track of time, didn't think about the hours and hours of video I'd saved on that phone.