Page 53 of Decker

“No, I do love her.”

Scott laid his hands on his knees and looked at him sideways like he was crazy and maybe he was. “So, she loves you and you love her. What exactly is the problem?”

“I loved Susie too and I couldn’t protect her. What if it happens again? I can’t go through that again, Scott. You saw me.”

“Jeez, Decker.” He could hear the sympathy in his friend’s voice and hated he was the beneficiary of it. “That accident wasn’t your fault. It was nobody’s fault. The driver had a heart attack at the wheel. It was a tragic accident. If you’d been there, it still would’ve happened and likely with the same outcome. You know that.”

“I need someone to blame.”

“I know and for ten years it’s been yourself but now it’s time to honour your wife and son and live a life they never got the chance to.”

“What if it happens again? She’s the only person who makes me feel whole.”

“Listen, Deck. I know it must be terrifying for you and I can’t imagine what you went through and don’t even want to try but loving someone is a risk. It’s the payoff for the beauty we have with them. We can’t live with fear, or we aren’t living, and I hate to tell you but it’s too late.”

“Meaning?”

Scott stood. “If you love her the risk is already in play. Not being with her won’t ease that pain if something happens to her, it will make you regret every second you wasted.”

Scott’s words were like a slap in the face and the reality of them hit him hard. He was right, not being with her wouldn’t ease the loss if something bad happened, it would make it worse. Had he made a terrible mistake?

“Come on, let’s get out of here and grab some food.” Scott threw some bills on the bar and Decker followed him in a daze as he drove them to a diner close by.

“I see what I said is sinking in.”

Decker tucked into some eggs and bacon, deep in thought. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

“You need to let the past go and get your ass on a plane and fix this.”

His appetite was suddenly back with gusto, and Decker smiled for the first time since he’d broken the heart of the woman he loved. “Yeah, I do, and believe me, I have some serious sucking up to do. I was a complete asshole to her.”

“How?” Scott frowned.

Decker admitted his hurtful words shame rolling over him as Scott winced. “Ouch. Good luck.”

“I know. I deserve whatever she dishes out, but I won’t give up. She brought me back to life and I need her to know that. But first I have to say goodbye.”

“Sounds like a plan. Penny and I want an invite to the wedding.”

“Ha, I have to get her to forgive me first.”

“You will.”

* * *

He walkedup the hill to the cemetery where his family rested and noted the beauty in the colours of the trees fading from green to the vibrant orange of fall. Natures last spectacular display before it slept for the winter. His heart ached as he got closer to the plot where the two graves lay side by side.

Decker had made peace with his and Susie’s parents, and while they may never understand his actions, they didn’t blame him anymore for the deaths of their daughter and grandson. It had been grief in all its heart-breaking glory that had caused them to lash out.

He stopped and ran his hand over the headstone, knocking several fallen leaves to the ground, the names of the people he loved etched in the smooth stone. Kneeling, he cleared away the flowers he knew his in-laws laid weekly and placed a bouquet of her favourite daisies in their place.

“Hey, Susie, sorry I haven’t been in a while. You know I was never one for believing that you were here. I didn’t need to visit. I feel you with me everywhere I go.” His hand rested on his heart as his eyes stung with tears as he tried to find the words.

“I met someone. I know you always said if anything happened to you to move on and find love and it’s taken me ten years, but I’ve found her. She’s wonderful, kind, clever, beautiful inside and out, and she doesn’t take any shit from me. I tried not to love her. I was so scared. Losing you and Milo broke me and I never thought I’d heal from it, but she put me back together without me even realising it. I guess it’s a good thing she’s a doctor.”

He chuckled at his own thoughts but fell sombre. “I need you to know that I’ll always love you and miss you until the day I die but it’s time for me to love another now, and I do. I love her so much and I hope you understand that it takes nothing away from what we had. I was lucky enough to have two soul mates in my life. You were my first and she’ll be my last.”

His eyes drifted over his son’s name and that brought pain of a different kind, a deeper loss than he could even comprehend. “I know Milo is with you, and you’re together. Tell him I love him and miss his Lego creations but that I’ll see him one day, and until then I’ll keep all three of you in a safe place in my heart.”