Page 41 of Decker

Chapter Eighteen

Mark laywith his hand behind his head in his bed and stared at the ceiling. She’d been in his home three days, living with him, cooking alongside him, sharing his space, and he already dreaded the day it would come to end. He turned over annoyed that his arms ached with the emptiness of not holding her and punched his pillow.

Every second she was in danger ate at him, but it was also the reason she was there, and he realised he liked having her in his home and his life, and not as a friend with some fucking fantastic benefits. Not twenty minutes ago, she’d kissed him goodnight after he’d fucked her until they were both replete and gone to her room next door.

He hadn’t pushed her to sleep with him all night and knew she was trying to respect his initial set of rules, but goddammit, he wanted her here. He rolled onto his back, kicking the sheet from his torso, the rub of cotton over his dick enough to wake that eager part of his body. He’d been hard from the moment he’d seen her months ago and getting her out of his system was failing spectacularly. He wanted her more now than ever and not just naked, he wanted to be around her.

Jack had arrived back in the country two days ago after a delay at the airport and was already fully up to speed with everything. He’d floated Savannah’s idea to lure one of the Cavendish brothers into helping them and had been met with surprise. It was rare he went out on a limb or asked for anything. His team had never seen him with a woman before. Even his one-night stands had been kept separate from his work life.

Now he was asking them to help a woman everyone could see he was fucking, and he’d been caught more than once watching her as she worked in the conference room on her paper by one of the guys. It was unlike him, and it was unsettling at best.

Jack had agreed this was a case that would be long-winded and involved and, while it wasn’t something Eidolon could commit to, he’d ask Shadow to take it up. The team that made up Shadow were as trained as them, all highly skilled and deadly individuals, but unlike Eidolon they weren’t all ex-military or law enforcement.

Some were ex-criminals looking for redemption, others had spent their lives walking the line between good and bad and living in the grey so long it was comfortable to them. Others had made fucked-up decisions that had changed the course of their lives for good. But all were on the side of innocence and determined to take people like Carter Cavendish down. And who better than a team who didn’t exist, with people who’d had their identities wiped clean from existence.

The clock on his nightstand read three am and he realised it had been two hours now he’d been lying there waiting for her to come back or change her mind while he acted like a lovesick fool. Throwing back the covers, he stalked into the hall and listened for a second at her door. He paced away and spun on his heels and bit the bullet. If she wouldn’t make the move, he would.

Opening her door, he saw the slash of light through the curtains fall over her body, the luminescence making her seem ethereal and highlighting the perfection of her skin. She went up on one elbow as he approached the sheet falling to reveal the t-shirt she was wearing in bed.

“Is everything okay?”

Worry tinged her voice and he cursed inwardly for scaring her. “No.” He bent and scooped her up in his arms, her body moulding to his as she clung to him. He turned and walked back to his bed and set her in the middle before he got in next to her and hauled her over him, so her body was like a human blanket while he encased her in his arms. “Now everything is okay.”

He felt her smile against his chest and fought his own.

“You could’ve just asked me to stay in here.”

“I did.”

“No, you told me where your room was, that’s not the same. I’m trying to navigate my first fuck buddies’ relationship, Mark. Hints won’t cut it for me.”

“Fine,” he said sulkily, still not happy that he needed her this way and not prepared to put a label on how he felt, because then he’d have to make a decision he wasn’t ready for and end it. “You sleep in my bed until this thing between us ends.”

She was silent for a long time and he wondered if she’d fallen asleep, but he sensed she was awake. “Does it have to end?”

He closed his eyes against the regret that slammed into him at her question and the temptation to say no, to tell her how much she meant to him, how she was saving him one second at a time from a loneliness he’d never acknowledged. Knowing he owed her more than a perfunctory answer he held her tighter and kissed her head. He needed to tell her about Susie and Milo and the baby girl he never got to hold. She deserved to know how fucked up he was and why he didn’t deserve to have the love of a woman like her before she did something crazy like fall in love with him or see something she thought was worth saving when he knew there was nothing to be saved.

God knew it was bad enough he was falling in love with her when he didn’t deserve the dirt under her shoe. He could handle loving her and not having it reciprocated but he couldn’t cope with risking it and lowering his walls and losing her like he had his family. Or worse, her loving him and him letting her down, and he would. He was too selfish, too driven, and most definitely unworthy.

So, he began to speak, knowing there was a good chance she’d get up and walk from this room and never speak to him again after he confessed how he’d killed his family.

“I met my wife in high school.”

He felt her tense against him and then relax, listening intently to his words.

“Susie was perfect. Kind, loving, beautiful, and she wanted me. I have no idea why she chose me, but she did, and I loved her. I adored her. We got married right out of college and had a son, Milo. He was the most amazing kid. He loved trucks and Lego and had the kindest heart. He’d cling to my leg when it was time for me to go to work because he didn’t want me to leave and would run to me when I got home.”

Decker drew a steadying breath as memories assailed him and he let them come, feeling safe in her arms to indulge. “When Milo was two, we moved to New York for my dream job with the NY office. Susie hated it, but she stayed for me. She was a wonderful wife, but Milo and I were her life and she struggled to make friends and missed home. I knew she hated it. It was the only time we fought but she’d always give in to my needs over her own.”

Savannah stroked the skin of his chest offering comfort and he clasped her fingers and kissed them before laying her hand back down but keeping a hold on her.

“I was working a huge case, the biggest of my career and I was so wrapped up in it. Susie was pregnant with our daughter and was struggling with the New York heat. I said I’d take Milo to day care, and she could get some rest, and that weekend we’d go home and see her parents.”

The next words almost burned with the regret he felt. “We had a break in the case, one I’d made and ended up catching a killer that had been on the rampage for months. I was so fucking proud of myself, so arrogant. I forgot to take Milo to day care, so Susie drove him. On the way, their car was t-boned by a truck. They were killed and my little girl never took a breath.”

He waited for the recriminations and disgust that he felt about what he’d done, and she remained silent.

“Oh, Mark, I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine that kind of loss and I deal with it every day.”