Page 11 of Scarred Sunrise

Chapter 5

Smithy ranthe towel over his shaved head to dry it before slipping into a pair of jeans that had been in his locker at Fortis. It was time to face the team and update them on what was going on. He knew they were unhappy about his decision to stay and face the woman responsible for all the pain they’d suffered, but right now he didn’t give a fuck.

All he could think about was Lizzie and the broken disappointment on her face as she told him she was done. It had felt like being stabbed in the heart the pain of her words worse than any beating he’d ever received. His breathing became fast with panic at the thought of her not being there for him. Her constant silent and often unwanted support had been his lynchpin. He was a selfish bastard. Even as he pushed her away, he wanted her with him.

Even now, the pain in his chest made it feel like he was having a heart attack, his breathing quick, skin clammy. Closing his eyes, he focused on each breath in and out, trying to stem the coming panic attack that had plagued him since his rescue from the Divine Watchers. Taking in slow breaths, he focused his mind on only that, until the tightness in his chest began to ease, and he could feel his heart rate return to normal.

As he sat on the bench to pull on socks and boots, the door swung in and Dane stared at him from the door. The look on his face said it all—he was boiling with anger.

Smithy looked away, not ready to deal with whatever he had to say right now. He carried on tying his boot as the door closed, and Dane sat down beside him.

“You’re a fucking dumbass.”

Smithy dropped his foot to the floor with a sigh. “Don’t start Dane. You have no idea what’s going on.”

“The fuck I don’t,” Dane threw out angrily, lifting his arms as if talking to an idiot and maybe he was, Smithy thought. “I just left Lizzie with Meg and Lucy, and I saw that shit show earlier. She’s hurting, and it’s your fault. I should beat the snot out of you for what you’ve done.”

“Why don’t you then?” Smithy almost wanted it; he wanted the fight to let his anger and pain burn through him instead of bottling up the rage in his body, living on a precipice the entire time.

“Because it wouldn’t help, and Lauren would kick my ass. I have a woman who loves me, and I respect her enough not to hurt her. You, on the other hand, just fucking threw my sister away like she was rubbish.”

“You have no idea how I feel about Lizzie.”

“Then tell me. Make me understand that you’re not the man who just slayed her heart open. You fucking hurt her, man.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?” Smithy felt his own anger rise, but not at Dane, at himself. If he’d been a better man, he would’ve stayed away from her and she never would’ve been dragged into this mess. “Every single minute of the day, I’m reminded what I did to her, how I hurt her. The pain she’s in is because of me, so I know what I did.”

Dane shook his head, his eyes wide before he blinked slowly. “You really are an idiot. She isn’t hurting because of the physical pain, but because someone she loves gave up. Someone she’s loved for a fucking long time by the sounds of it, and that kind of love doesn’t disappear overnight or if I know Lizzie—ever.”

Smithy looked away, not wanting to see the sympathy in his friend’s eyes. “She deserves better, she always has. I told her that then, and I proved it when I got her mixed up in this nightmare which ended with her screaming in pain.”

Dane placed his hand on Smithy’s shoulder with a sigh. “Mate, she deserves the man she loves with her whole heart to love her the same way. That’s all she’s ever wanted. Lizzie doesn’t blame you for what happened to her any more than we do. The only person who does is you.”

“You didn’t hear her, Dane. The pain she was in was so excruciating I hear it in my nightmares. If I hadn’t taken her, then she’d be whole right now, not limping and in pain.”

Dane dropped his hand from his shoulder, leaning his arms on his knees he bent forward staring at the floor. This was hard for him too. Nobody loved family like Dane did. He was an overprotective bastard at the best of times.

“Or someone else would’ve taken her and she’d be dead. Make no mistake, she was taken because of her connection to all of us, not just you.”

Smithy was silent, not having considered that, too caught up in his own pain and guilt to consider any other possibilities.

“I’m not a big believer in God or a higher power, but I do believe Lizzie was there for a reason, and that reason was to bring you back to us. Don’t shit on all she went through to survive, then doing her damnedest to help you by giving up.”

Smithy cocked his head. “You really think so?”

Dane nodded. “I have to, or I can’t function knowing what happed to her. All the weeks we thought she was dead and then to have her alive again, it has to have a purpose.”

“We were together when we were teenagers, and I pushed her away because of the shit with my family. She’s the only woman I’ve ever been in love with, and I think the only person who could have gotten through to the monster I had become to try and drag the man back out.” Smithy laughed humourlessly “Not that there’s much of a man left.”

“That’s how you see it. You think Rhea Winslow broke you, but she didn’t. You’re the only one to have fought that drug. That says a lot about your strength of character, but I tell you now. If you walk away from my sister this time, it will be your downfall, because that’s all on you.”

“You don’t get it. How can I go to her in this state? I don’t sleep, I have anger issues. I’m fucked up.”

Dane chuckled. “We’re all a little fucked up, mate. You just need to figure out two things, is she worth trying to sort your head out and do you want to?” Dane stood and looked down at him with a hard look. “But let me warn you, it won’t be easy. You have to get your head on straight first then you have to convince Lizzie, and knowing her as I do, that will be the hardest battle of all.”

“Lizzie has a heart of gold.”

Dane nodded. “Yes, she does, but she’s also stubborn as a mule, and you hurt her. For her to walk away publicly like she did means a lot. She won’t let you back in easily, not now.”

Dane walked away, leaving his words ringing in his ears. Smithy was surprised he hadn’t been subjected to more threats for hurting her as he had. If Lizzie had been his sister, he’d have fucked him up.

Dropping his head into his hands, he tried to take it all in, to gather the threads of everything that had happened tonight and couldn’t. All he could see was a life without Lizzie in it, and it cut sharper than any knife ever could. He realised as he sat on a hard wooden bench in a locker room at Fortis, that he may just have made the biggest mistake of his life, and that was saying something because he’d messed up plenty.

None so bad as letting Lizzie get away though. He rubbed at the area under his breastbone as nausea roiled and his stomach cramped. She’d stood by him through everything, and now it was his turn to fight for her and them, prove to her that although he didn’t feel worthy, he’d do everything in his power to make it right. He took some calming breaths to ease the pain of his ulcer, knowing if he didn’t he’d be in agony.

Smithy had to start being completely honest with everyone, including himself—he knew that. He needed more help than he’d wanted to admit to anyone. Picking up his phone he saw it was only four am, too early to call Peyton Lawson and ask for help. He wouldn’t go begging Lizzie to take a chance on him—on them—until he was, if not whole, then at least not so broken. He just prayed she’d still want him.