Page 48 of Blue Sky

I didn’t need to look in the mirror. I always wondered why instead of getting tan my pale skin burned. I knew my eyes were the same haunting pale green as the man in that picture. These green eyes caused my classmates to call me a gringa. These green eyes caused my uncle to tease me and say I wasn’t a real Mexican. These green eyes were proof that my father wasn’t another brown-eyed local.

“What his name?”

She pursed her lips and closed her eyes and said his name as if it was a prayer. “John Emerson.”

John Emerson.

Paloma Angélica Emerson.

But I still wasn’t sure. “I don’t know if I believe you.”

“Why do you think I named you Paloma? It means dove. A bird who flies in the sky like a plane. Used at weddings as a symbol of love. I thought if I named you Paloma he would return to me. And Angélica was because your father was a Blue Angel.” And with that, she broke into sobs.

And I knew she wasn’t lying to me anymore.

I put my hand on her shoulder, comforting her beside myself.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Because I didn’t want to hurt you. I tried, mija, I did. I know you don’t believe me, that you hate me, but I tried. It was so hard. No one would hire me. And I had a baby. I was only a teen. I gave up. But you have to know I tried. And I do love you.”

“I don’t hate you, Mama.” And I didn’t. Her confession shook me to my core. Was history repeating itself? Was Beck going to use me and leave me like my father had left my mother? “But it’s different. He loves me. I love him. He wants me to go to Florida with him. He wants to take the girls.”

She stared at my left hand and I knew what she was looking for.

A ring.

A ring that I didn’t have.

“Where’s your ring?”

“I don’t have one.”

She shook her head. “Did he ask you to marry him?”

“No. His wife died last year. But he loves me.”

She scowled. “No, he doesn’t. He asked his nanny to go to Florida. Not his fiancée. You take care of his daughter, wash his clothes, cook his food, keep his home clean, keep his bed warm, why wouldn’t he want you? But don’t be mistaken, mija. You are only his nanny. You will only ever be his nanny. He will never marry you.”

That’s it. I had enough. “Go, Mama. Go. Don’t ever come back. I’m not you. Beck is not my father. He probably didn’t love you the way Beck loves me.”

“No Paloma, you are wrong. He loved me. He loved me like the air he breathed. Like the stars in the sky. Like the moon loves the sun but they can only meet passing in the night. We could never be together. I didn’t fit into his life and you don’t fit into you pilot’s life, either. Look at you. You are a Mexican nanny. He’s rich! Educated. He may be having fun right now, but he will never ever marry you. Leave him now, before he breaks your heart—or you do something stupid.”

My muscles quivered as rage consumed me. “What does that mean, Mama. Is that what you did? Did you get pregnant with me to trap my father?”

She looked down at her feet. “Yes, mija, I did. I was so desperate. You don’t know how much I loved him.”

My stomach recoiled. “I can’t believe you did that? You trapped him? Of course, he didn’t want to marry you. No one wants to be backed into a corner.”

“You are no better than me. You don’t know what it’s like. Two years from now, when Beck still won’t marry you, you will do the same thing. Mark my words.”

“I would never.” But somewhere deep in my soul, I connected with her desperation. I couldn’t imagine being out in Florida with Beck, him never wanting to marry me. Would I ever do something like my mom had?

“You are just like me. You will. He had everything. I had nada. I thought once he saw your little face, he would love you too. You were perfect, mija. But he left us. Never sent money or even a card. For years, I prayed he would come back. And one day he did. You were around two, and he came out for a show. And he saw you. He knows about you. And I could see it in his eyes. He still loved me. But he wasn’t man enough to take us away and keep us in his world. We are nothing like them. You should know your place. The world hasn’t changed. These men, these Blue Devils, they come here to go slumming and they go back and marry women who look like them, women who are from their world.

I wanted to push her out of the room, I didn’t want to hear anything she had to say. I didn’t want to listen. Beck was nothing like my father, if she was telling me the truth. Beck didn’t care what people thought about him, about me, about us. He had taken me out in public, he had introduced me to his friends. I was even going to meet his mother when she came to town for the airshow.

“Beck is not embarrassed by me. He loves me, too. He’s going to introduce me to his mother. Times have changed, Mama. I’m sorry my father left us. That’s horrible. But Beck loves me.”

“If he loved you, he would marry you, not keep you as the nanny. You are the help. Don’t you see? He’s using you. He will never ever marry you. You are young, you are beautiful. It’s too late for me but don’t throw your life away on this man. Move to San Diego with your sisters. Start a new life. But do it on your own. If he loves you, he will come after you.”

I thumbed the picture. “Can I keep this?”

She nodded. “Yes, it’s yours.” She looked toward the door. “I’ll go. But mija, if you were smart, you wouldn’t go to Florida. Take the money and get your sisters far away from here. And one day, when you realize I’m right. Forgive me.”

She hugged me hard, and I didn’t push her off of me.

Then she walked out the door.

Leaving me alone with all my insecurities.

And for the first time in years, I believed that my Mama actually cared about me. That she loved me and wanted the best for me.

But I also believed something else.

She was right about Beck.