Page 187 of Rebellious

“You know how they say the grass is always greener on the other side?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I was in my fucking feelings about having to compete with you for the top spot, knowing you’d win. Then when Coach Yancy said I’d still have to battle it out but with Davy Marksum, I regretted the fuck out of my resentment. He’d pummel me just to show his strength, even though he’s a shoo-in. You’d give me a fair shot and that got lost in…” He sighed. “The past.”

CJ winced. “I’m sorry—”

“Fuck, where’s Axel when you need him.”

“Don’t fucking start. Axel would eat that shit up.”

“Jealousy isn’t a good fucking look for you, dickhead. And you wear pettiness completely wrong, so either get better at it or stop trying.”

“Fuck off.”

Ryan snickered. “You’ve been harping about not being responsible for what families we’re born into. That’s still the case, so don’t apologize. In this case, the issue really is mine and not yours, especially since I was also thinking about dropping out so you couldn’t win again. I would’ve just stepped aside.”

“Because you were up in your feelings?”

“Yeah, but I can’t say I’m glad this situation didn’t happen. It made me open my eyes.”

“Again,” CJ said dryly. “Try to keep those motherfuckers open and we won’t revert back to the way we were.”

“If you promise you’ll treat me as your cousin and not a motherfucker you have to sacrifice yourself for. See the Skye situation? I was actually proud of you.”

“You shouldn’t have been. Her hands were all over me and then her mouth. Even before she chomped on me, I’d changed my mind. I want…sex should be…”

“Flowery and meaningful. Sunshine and rainbows. Barf, but if that’s how you roll, I’m happy for you. What you’re actually saying is you want your first time to be with Harley.”

He did, but how the fuck did Ryan get that out of what CJ said? He refused to answer.

“I like Harley so fucking much, CJ, but she’s always been yours as much as you’ve been hers. You’re saving yourself for her—”

“She hurt me so deeply.”

“I know.”

“I don’t know if I can stand another betrayal from her.”

“Harley’s changed a lot but so have you. Take time to get to know the new her. Let her see the new you. Don’t rush shit, cuck. Goddamn. Do I have to hold your fucking hand and show you what the fuck to do? What the fuck is going through your thick fucking Caldwell head?”

“Stop with the Caldwell this and the Caldwell that. It’s bad enough you’re stuck on Caldwell boys.”

“Are you not fucking listening to me?” Ryan gritted. “Fuck, at this point, I’m talking to the fucking darkness because you have fucking air in your head.”

“In your fucking dreams.”

“Bro, own the fact that you’re a Caldwell. Own that you’re Outlaw’s son. Own the fact that Diesel’s your brother. The sadist loves you and will stand by you. He can be your fucking sounding board. Own the fact that Axel’s a mini-Diesel with a respect for girls. You aren’t Axel. You aren’t Diesel. You aren’t Uncle Christopher. You aren’t me. I never thought I’d have to say that to you and, fuck, if I’m not gloating. None of us are asking you to be us.”

“I don’t know me anymore. I did once.”

“Look, cousin, a lot has happened and that has to fuck with you. I’m not pretending to know how that feels. But you’re so fucking angry and resentful. Punch the fuck out of Narci. He was there during your overdose. Hug your Mom and her instincts. She saved Rebel. Thank Diesel for getting here on time and rescuing Rebel and Jana. Most of all be happy you survived and have a chance to torment the fuck out of me. Our competition is no fun with you so fucking mopey. Frankly, it’s making me feel sorry for you and that will give me fucking nightmares.”

CJ laughed. “Maybe I should’ve said I don’t know how to be me anymore. Harley was my best friend. Some days I want to push her away and keep my guard up. Other days, I want to pull her close and tell her everything.”

“Talk to her,” Ryan grunted. “See how she responds. If you can have an honest conversation with her about serious shit, you might be on the right track.”

“Do you and her have an emotional connection?”