Page 44 of ’Til You Break

But I shouldn’t have had to do it alone.

I needed Vik. I needed his arms around me. I needed his presence reminding me I was safe. I’m embarrassed to admit it. I want to be strong enough to face the world on my own, but I’m only human. Sometimes you need a shoulder to lean on.

Last night, I needed Vik’s.

It didn’t even seem as if he cared when I told him what had happened. There was no sign of shock. There wasn’t a trace of concern that I could’ve become another victim of the sicko in the alley.

Hell, I’d have settled for his usual brand of yelling and fury over doing something so obviously stupid. Instead, he showed me exactly what I meant to him.

He didn’t have to say a word. My emotions didn’t matter. My well-being didn’t matter. As long as he got what he wanted in the end. I’m good for a quick fuck to satisfy his urges. Nothing more.

I want to believe it’s something else. That somewhere deep down, he wanted to comfort me and help me process what I’d been through. That he simply doesn’t know how to express his emotions or use them to comfort someone else.

But no matter how hard I try, I can’t justify it this time.

Fuck.

Moving in here was a terrible mistake. The writing was on the wall from the very first day. I should’ve known that living with Vik would only end in trouble.

And now I don’t have anywhere else to go.

I wake up feeling more refreshed than I expected. The kitten darts across my bed, purring adorably and meowing ferociously at absolutely nothing. The moment I look at him, I know he’s exactly the little bundle of joy I need to get through this.

But in the quiet moments between his bursts of cuteness, dread creeps back in. Intrusive thoughts reminding me this is the life I chose. The life I deserve. My mind whispers that all my attempts to do good have never been enough for whatever cosmic force sits in judgment above us.

Slipping down the rabbit hole of self-loathing is easy when it feels like the whole world is against you.

And lately, it really does feel that way.

There’s only one way out of this. I need a job. I need to get back on my own two feet. Living with Vik was supposed to be a temporary escape while I figured things out. Now it’s time to start figuring them out.

Given how hard it’s been in the past, I know I’ve got a challenge ahead of me. But staying here will only do more harm than good. If I want to leave with my sanity intact...

I’d better get moving.

Coffee should help. A couple of big mugs before I start searching for a better life.

After changing into a pair of sweatpants and a comfortable hoodie, I head for the kitchen. Vik’s sitting in the living room, staring at the blank television when I step into view.

His head slowly turns towards me. “Good morning, Hannah,” he says, getting to his feet.

The sight of him makes my stomach knot. Instantly, I’m right back where he left me last night. Hurt. Disappointed. Betrayed.

I grumble something in response, finding it impossible to ignore him completely. I’d rather get through the day without speaking to him at all, but I can’t bring myself to be rude.

No matter what happened, he gave me a chance when no one else would. He put a roof over my head when I needed it most and never asked too many questions about how I ended up here.

That doesn’t mean everything’s forgiven. Far from it.

“Did you sleep well?” he asks.

“Mm-hmm,” I hum, setting about making coffee while preparing a bowl of food for the kitten.

“And how’s the cat doing?”

Small talk? Yeah. He knows he screwed up. Now he’s trying to work his way back into my good graces.

Too bad. It’s too late for that.