Page 49 of Carte

Something hit me then. For the first time in my life, I wanted to leave the shadows behind. I’ve seen the flashes of light Harley brought with her, and felt its heat. I was so tired of the dark, of the guilt and shame eating away at me. Of fear of losing someone else I cared about, of not being able to save them, trapping me in darkness. But, I couldn’t take that step. I couldn’t risk it. Even if I hated it with every piece of me, staying away was safer.

I burrowed the reaction his words had on me, and my epiphany, not letting Max see.

I let my moves become automatic. I didn’t want to think about anything. I just wanted for this fear to finally leave my system. But, it didn’t work. Nothing ever did.

The picture of Harley sleeping flashed in my head.

My heart started thumping in my chest with a wild beat. Sweat coated my palms, and my breath came out in short bursts.

“Fuck,” I roared as I brought the ax down, and jammed it into the thump.

Max jumped to his feet and was in front of me in a second. His concerned gaze was all I could see.

“I’ll be fine,” I muttered and gripped the handle of the ax again.

Max studied me, frowning, “You want to tell me what has you out here doing unnecessary stuff? This isn’t just about the photo from last night. There’s something else going on.”

I looked up at him, swallowing. It was on the tip of tongue to spill all. Still, I swallowed the words down.

“Talk to me,” Max growled.

I shrugged, “I didn’t get much sleep last night, and then Harley was too rattled to sit still. She finally realized this was not some fan who got overly excited. That she’s in real danger.”

Max let out a huff, “It’s not just that. There’s something else. Something that has you in a vice so strong you can hardly breathe. I see it, brother. Hell, I can almost feel it, it’s so potent in you. But you still refuse to talk to me.”

“Yeah?” I let go of the ax, and pushed Max. I’ve had enough. Enough of feeling I didn’t belong, enough of Max prying and trying to fix me. Enough of Rory meddling and pulling me back into the fold. And enough of Chace thinking he knew best. I loved my family, but they needed to back the fuck up. Unfortunately for Max, he was the only one here. “Like you came to me when shit with Sky hit the fan? Like that?”

Max looked at me like I was suddenly sporting two heads, “You were on a job. I knew you couldn’t be there.”

His words only made rage pulse through me.

“I would drop everything and come in a heartbeat if I knew what was going on,” I roared. I pushed my hand into my hair, and down to my neck where I squeezed the painful muscles, “But, you didn’t give me a choice. When I was home, you didn’t lead on that anything was going on. Didn’t even give a hint. We just went like normal, fucking with Rory for fucking game tickets, and hiding Jason for shits and giggles. And the fucker went along with it. Having a good ol ' time. None of you said a goddamned word. And then, I came back to the dust settling. You took away my chance to stand beside you, and I almost lost you.”

Guilt shone in Max’s eyes, “Carter, there was nothing you could’ve done. Besides, you were just starting out. Building up your business, making a name for yourself. You needed to focus.”

“I needed to make sure my brother and his woman were safe, more.”

“Carter, I’m sorry,” Max’s words were so soft, I almost didn’t hear them.

Guilt, pain and fear lifted up in a tide in me then. The mix was so strong, I could barely take a breath, “I can't do it.”

Max blinked, “ You can’t do what?”

My hands started shaking, I almost lost my feet with how hard the fear gripped me, “I can’t give in to her.”

Understanding dawned in Max’s eyes, “You care about her.”

“I can’t do it,” I shook my head, and looked to the ground.

Fear, and shame consumed me. I was supposed to keep her safe.

How I was gonna do that, while also keeping my hands to myself, and my sanity intact, I had no idea.

“And why not? Why can’t you give in. Why can’t you give yourself something that’s clear you both want?”

My vision tunneled, and I blinked trying to clear it, “Because I can’t lose her too.”

Max gripped my bicep, “Carter-”