Page 72 of Retrograde

“What did I just say?” Spittle flies from his mouth. “WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”

A sharp pain cuts across my cheek, my eyes water, and everything inside me freezes with terror.

“I didn’t do anything!” I protest, my voice breaking in a sob.

“Leo!” My mum appears in the doorway, gasping, clutching her heart, her stubby-fingered hand buried under her huge breast. “Leo, don’t!”

“Shut up!” A flash of lightning illuminates his contorted face. “Shut up before I shut you up!”

I’m crying loudly, and I need to pee, and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to hold it. I’m fighting to tear out of his crushing grip.

Mum scurries away with a whimper, muttering something, sobbing, but leaving me on my own.

“I ... I ... I didn’t ...” I’m shaking and crying so hard I can’t breathe, and my limbs are like jelly, weak and unstable. “Daddy ... please...” I beg, even though I know it’s useless when he’s like this.

When he gets this red in the face, when his voice gets this high, there’s no talking to him. But at night, he’ll stumble into the room I share with Tammy to apologise, to tell me he loves me and didn’t mean to be hard on me, only he got so angry he couldn’t control himself.

And I know how I’ll feel. Right now, I hate him, and I want him to die. Right now, I wish he’d have a heart attack like Sofia’s dad. But later, he’ll sound too sad. The kind of sad that comes from so deep within. I know I’ll feel so sorry for him then that I’ll stop being angry. If only he realised it’s the same every time.

What comes next happens so fast I can’t even process it.

The main door opens and then bangs shut. Then there’s a flash of movement to the side. A small hand—nails with chipped-off black polish—comes into view, holding the loop of a leather belt.

My eyes go wide, my mouth hanging open, tears drying on my cheeks.

Tammy!

But she looks different. She’s only eighteen, but she looks properly adult all of a sudden. Her hair is a shade darker because it’s wet from the downpour outside, and it’s framing her freckled face in severe straight lines instead of the usual waves. She’s very pale, her lips are drawn into a thin line, and her blue eyes look exactly like Dad’s—very, very angry.

“You fucking coward!” Her voice slices the air like a knife.

I don’t even have time to be shocked she used the f-word, because she whips Dad across the back with the belt! He yelps with pain, letting go of me. I stumble away from him, backing into the wall.

Crack! Crack! CRACK!

She hits him again and again, hard.

“You pathetic, fucking coward!” she repeats, arm flying up and down, up and down. “Don’t you dare lay your hands on her ever again! Not on any of them, you hear me?”

Dad’s howling and crouching, the belt bouncing off his back.

I feel sick watching it, but I can’t look away.

Mum reappears in the doorway, her hands pressed to her mouth, eyes wide with fear.

“Tamara!” Her voice comes out thick and muffled.

“Shut the fuck up,” Tammy snaps at her without taking her eyes off Dad. “You let him do this to us. You let him ...” She trails off, voice breaking before ringing hard and steady again. “You knew! You knew, and you agreed, and you didn’t even warn me. You’re—no—mother—of—mine.” She punctuates each word with a vicious snap of the belt.

Mum covers her whole face, sobbing, slumping against the doorframe.

Dad’s nearly on his knees now, letting out high-pitched noises that are very uncomfortable to listen to. But then Tammy’s blows become a little slower, less hard. She’s out of breath, sweaty in the face. She’s getting tired.

Dad sees an opening and roars and lunges at her. They topple to the ground with a sickening thud, and he’s on top of her, arm crooked backwards, his fist balled, ready for a punch.

Oh my god. He’s going to kill her! He’s actually going to kill her!

I want to move, I want to help, but I can’t. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t! My bladder lets up, warm liquid quickly soaking up the front of my trousers. I can’t breathe, and I can’t stop crying. My legs give out, and I crash to the ground, hitting my coccyx.