Page 63 of Retrograde

“Not at all.”

“DON’T TOUCH HER! I WILL KILL YOU! YOU’RE A FUCKING TABLEAU⁠—”

Rob’s other hand starts sliding down my stomach, inching closer to the band of my trousers.

Here it is, no turning back now.

Adrenaline rushes through my veins like danger, all my thoughts focused, all the muscles in my body tensing.

Aron is still yelling, but I block out the sound. I wink at him and watch his eyes widen before I whip around in Rob’s feeble hold. Letting the knife concealed in my right sleeve slip out, I snatch it firmly by the handle. With all the strength I can gather, I swipe it across Rob’s throat.

It’s like seeing it all happen in slow motion from outside my body. Like I’m someone standing behind me. It takes forever for the shock and betrayal to register on Rob’s face.

Scared I wouldn’t be forceful enough, I overdid it. The gash is long and deep, blood spurting and flowing down Rob’s front. Some of it splatters on the front of my uniform jacket, and I rip it off like it’s on fire. Rob stumbles, knees buckling, and his head shifts into an odd angle. His eyes finally flutter shut, and down he goes, crumpling at my feet.

Blood so dark it’s almost black spreads around so fast I barely manage to get out of the way.

“Fuck!” I drop the knife, rushing out of the stall. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I collapse to the ground on the outside, pull my knees up to rest my head on them, rocking back and forth. “Fuck, fuck, fuck ...”

My stomach is churning. I’m dizzy. I’m going to throw up. I’m going to faint. I’m going to die.

“Hey, Hotshot.” Aron’s voice pulls me out of my haze—firm and steadying. “Hotshot. Look at me.” I stay still and only groan in response, tears flowing down my cheeks. “Riley.”

Like drawn to a magnet, I raise my eyes. And then, because I can’t really see him from the ground, I get up to my feet and walk closer to his stall on shaky legs.

“First time?” he asks, looking at me with a strangely understanding expression.

“No.” His eyebrows shoot up. “No. Just the first time it wasn’t direct self-defence.”

Rob holding the door open for me. Rob not taking advantage but instead asking what I wanted. Rob making sure he wasn’t hurting me ... He could have tried to harm me for his own enjoyment. But that didn’t even cross his mind. Rob was a kind man. And I killed him in cold blood for no other reason than that he was in my way. What have I become?

Now I’m a monster too.

“Riley, don’t spiral,” Aron commands me. “Take it from someone who knows.” His voice is firm without being harsh, compelling me to obey. “It’s crushing today. But tomorrow it will be a bit lighter. And then the day after and the day after that ... in a few years’ time it will almost be like it never happened.”

“How would you know?” I snap at him. “You do this for fun.”

“Trust me, it’s an acquired taste.”

I shake my head, looking stubbornly at the tips of my shoes, only to have the sincerity in his voice pull my face up as he says without a trace of humour, “The first time I did it, I nearly pissed myself. And I cried. Like a fucking baby.”

I snap my eyes up, staring at him open-mouthed. I can’t formulate any words. Aron’s chains rattle as he leans forward, trying to get as close to me as possible.

“You’re already doing much better than me, Hotshot.” I reward his grin with a small, tight-lipped smile of my own. “Maybe I should be scared of you.”

I scoff, taking another step closer to the bars, stopping to stand directly underneath the lone lightbulb. Aron’s eyes narrow when he notices my bruised jaw. His own jaw tightens, his pulse racing through a vein at his temple. His presence is like a burning weight pressing in on me from all sides. All air evaporates from the room.

“Who did this to you?” he demands, voice full of gravel.

“Attila.” I assume he wants to know who to commend on a job well done.

“Uh-huh.” He tilts his head, his attention absolute and unsettling. “Why?”

“We had a disagreement.”

“About what?”

“The use of my vagina.”