Page 90 of We Chase Shadows

Rosie’s phone pings and she reads her message. Steve. She turns to Vern.

‘Put some clothes on, Steve’s due in twelve minutes and twenty-eight seconds.’

Now Rosie’s phone rings. Her manager, Elspeth.

‘Elspeth, tell me the news,’ says Rosie.

Last week And the Devil Blinked First had been number five. Rosie knows that isn’t good enough. But Elspeth had arranged a lot of interviews for her this week. She has done a podcast called My Perfect Morning where she pretended that her perfect morning involved a long walk with a rescue dog in a misty valley, rather than falling asleep on Dustin Hoffman’s sun lounger after a night in an illegal Vietnamese casino. She has done an interview with the Mail called ‘Me and My Cat’ where Steve had put Trouble on Rosie’s shoulder to pose for photographs, much to both Rosie’s and Trouble’s distress, and a YouTube show where Americans tried British chocolate bars. That one was called Give Us a Twirl.

Surely one of them has done the trick and And the Devil Blinked First will have moved up to number one? Then Rosie can relax a little. Not that she’s unrelaxed. Certainly not right at this moment.

‘Are we number one?’ asks Rosie.

‘We’re number fourteen,’ says Elspeth.

‘Impossible,’ says Rosie. This is very bad news. She feels the ache in her ribs. ‘I didn’t even know there was a number fourteen.’

‘No need to panic,’ says Elspeth. ‘Sometimes books just don’t connect immediately.’

‘Tell them I’ll do the chicken wings thing,’ says Rosie. Has it come to this? Eating spicy chicken wings just to sell a few books?

‘We asked already,’ says Elspeth. ‘They said it’s a no for now.’

‘A no?’ says Rosie. ‘They said no?’

‘Only for now,’ says Elspeth. ‘They said they might have a slot next spring. If we can develop your profile a little in the meantime.’

‘I’m not famous enough to eat chicken wings?’ Rosie says. She looks away from the phone and towards Vern. ‘I’m not famous enough to eat chicken wings. Are you hearing this?’

‘Oh,’ says Vern, and fair enough, what else is he supposed to say? He just wants a post-coital snooze, and who can blame him? He’s not a young man. And his day is about to get a lot worse when Steve arrives.

‘But people loved the “Me and My Cat” piece,’ says Elspeth. ‘Cat Monthly wondered if they could do a follow-up photo shoot?’

‘I’m not going to do a photo shoot for Cat Monthly,’ says Rosie.

‘I think they just meant with the cat,’ says Elspeth. ‘If you could pass on the message?’

Rosie is prepared to admit that this now officially counts as a crisis. She has sweated bullets for many years to make her life look effortlessly manicured and gilded. But you don’t achieve Rosie’s level of success through champagne and the right shoes alone. Time to go to work.

Time to get off the floor and hide the pain.

‘What do you need me to do?’ asks Rosie.

‘Well, the main thing is that it’s a great book,’ says Elspeth.

‘That is not the main thing,’ says Rosie. ‘There are loads of great books. The main thing is that it’s a great book and people buy it. My job is to write the great book, and your job is to sell it.’

‘I think we’re out of ideas here,’ says Elspeth. ‘So unless you have thoughts?’

‘What if I got married?’ says Rosie. She steals a quick glance at Vern, who shakes his head.

‘I think if you married Timothée Chalamet, then yes,’ says Elspeth. ‘Otherwise I don’t think it’s going to move the dial. I don’t suppose that’s a possibility?’

‘Me and Timothée Chalamet?’ says Rosie. ‘No, I don’t think that’s a possibility.’

‘I didn’t think it would be,’ says Elspeth. ‘But you never know with you, so I thought I’d check.’

‘What’s number one this week?’ Rosie asks. ‘Just out of interest? The dragon thing again?’