Page 90 of The Arcane God

“Are you sure?” Ty said. “There’s no shame in taking the time you need, Ena.”

“I’m sure,” she said, nodding with confidence. “I’ll be well enough to ride, or at least walk, in a few days.”

“Okay,” he said, taking her at her word, though he sensed something more was going on with her. She seemed too dismissive of her own discomfort. “Then we’ll get ready and leave in a week’s time.”

Turner left to relay the message to the rest of the group, but as soon as he did, Ty felt his stomach tighten with nerves. Not just because they needed to leave so soon, with both Ena and the baby so fragile, but also because he knew—this feeling, this conflict between protecting those he loved and doing what he needed to do for his people, for the stryx—it was about to get worse. And he had this sinking feeling that he might fail her—again.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Ena

They left a little over a week after the birth. Their horses were well rested and prepared for the journey, and they were able to get enough successful hunts in so that everyone had some stores of blood and meat to travel with. Ena knew they would never be fully prepared for the unknowns of the journey, but they were as prepared as they could be.

She found that she was simultaneously relieved and terrified to be going home, both because she was so excited to see her sister and her Coven again, but also because she had no idea what truly awaited them there—whether it would be a homecoming or just another hardship she’d have to face. Whether they would be welcomed or rejected.

Those feelings of apprehension soon became secondary, however, as traveling on a horse when your most sensitive areas were still recovering from intense trauma was incredibly uncomfortable. Not to mention, she was incredibly sleep-deprived. She felt so painfully, consistently tired, it was as if she were moving through a reoccurring dream half the time.

Feed the baby. Try to sleep. Change the baby’s cloth diaper. Feed the baby. Try to sleep.

It was a never-ending loop that was simultaneously mind-numbingly boring and incredibly difficult. She was eternally grateful that she had Kaya, Turner, and Ty to help her though. Between the three of them, they washed diapers in the river, made sure Ena was fed, gave her breaks from the baby when they could, and just in general helped her hold on to her sanity—which she felt like she was one frustrating feed away from losing at all times.

After a couple of weeks on the road, and a particularly long day of traveling, they stopped at the edge of the forested area—preparing to ascend into the higher peaks of the mountains the next day—and made camp.

Ena sat in their temporary canvas tent, trying in vain to feed the baby, who was screaming. He was usually content, especially when she wore him in a sling strapped to her front while she walked or rode, but in the evening, he sometimes became inconsolably fussy.

Kaya and some of the older stryx women who’d had children assured her this was normal, but it didn’t make it any easier. She was slightly more confident with breastfeeding now, though she still felt like she had no idea if she was doing it right most of the time. Ladon seemed healthy enough, though. His plump little legs were so sweet, and he was opening his eyes more, watching her. She still felt in awe half the time that he even existed—that she and Ty had made him.

Ty entered their tent, interrupting her thoughts as he ducked his head to fit his large frame through the small opening. “Horses are all settled,” he said, kicking off his boots and coming over beside her. “How are you two?”

Ladon took that precise moment to unlatch from her breast right during her milk’s letdown, causing the milk to run down, soaking her clothing as he cried and fussed some more.

“Not so great, I see,” he said. “Here, let me take him.” Ty reached out for the baby as Ena passed him over before flopping back onto her sleeping furs in exhausted frustration.

Ty held the baby face down across his forearm and gently patted his back as he soothed him. All of a sudden, Ladon let out a wet burp, the milky upset dripping down onto the dirt floor of the tent. Ena watched in awe as Ladon instantly calmed, his eyes drifting closed as he fell asleep in seconds.

“Good Gaia, where did you learn that?” Ena asked, nearly mesmerized by what had just occurred.

“Lara and Steig, of course. I watched them a lot,” Ty said, looking very pleased with himself. Rotating the baby gently, he was able to maneuver him onto his back without waking him, and placed him on the fur next to him, tucking him tightly around with a blanket to keep him warm.

Ena groaned, letting her head flop back onto the ground again.

“Are you feeling okay?” Ty asked.

Part of her wanted to lie—to pretend like everything was fine and put on a brave face. She didn’t want him to worry, and she knew all this travel was hard on everyone, not just her, but…she didn’t have the energy to pretend at the current moment. “I’m just…so exhausted, Ty,” she said, willing her voice not to crack as she spoke her truth.

“I know, beautiful,” he said, cuddling up next to her and pushing her hair from her face.

She rotated to face him. “I have no idea if I’m doing a good job or not,” she admitted. “I feel like I’m just barely holding it all together.”

“You’re doing everything you can. Everything you need to be. You don’t need to put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect with this,” Ty said.

“You know that’s not in my nature,” she said wryly. He’d noticed her perfectionist tendencies from the day they first met, when he’d challenged her to go swimming with him. She smiled now, thinking of that simpler, freer time, but it was instantly swamped by a wave of sadness. Of loss. Because she’d never be that again—for so many reasons.

“You should relax and sleep a little,” he said, looking into her eyes with love and kindness, and part of her wanted to reject it—to look away from his understanding gaze—because deep down, he didn’t know. He wasn’t privy to all the thoughts that swirled in her head on a daily basis.

That she couldn’t do this.

That she was a bad mother.