Page 58 of A Perilous Passion

“No, I daren’t come with you. Not yet, anyway. They may be looking for me.”

“Could you have been followed all the way from Scotland?”

“I doubt it—there aren’t the resources. But a letter or dispatch can be sent easily enough to the local militia with my description. I just hope there’s no bounty on my head. Or if there is, it’s not generous enough to tempt anyone.”

“Perhaps you should go to Dorchester. It’s a big place, and you can lose yourself in a crowd, whereas you’d soon be spotted in a small village like Fortuneswell.”

And Rafe would find out about Justin, which could cause any number of complications.

Justin seized her hand. “But I had to see you, my love. I couldn’t bear to wait. Don’t send me away when I’ve only just arrived.”

My love. The words clattered discordantly through her mind, and she pulled away. “Please don’t call me that, Justin. It’s been a long time.”

His smile wavered. He took her by the shoulders and turned her to look earnestly into her eyes. “It’s only been a few short months,” he said. “Though it felt like an eternity. Why can’t I call you my love?”

She looked away, dreading to see the pain in his eyes. “You know why,” she said. “All association between us is forbidden. I wasn’t allowed to leave the cottage for months after our plan to elope was discovered.”

“But we don’t care what our families say, do we? Nothing should be allowed to stand in the way of true love. I reach my majority next year—then no one can keep us apart.”

“Oh, Justin!” She buried her face in her hands. Had he really done this, deserted the army and put his very life at risk, just to be with her again? It was too much—she didn’t deserve it.

And she didn’t want it.

At what point her feelings had undergone such a sea change, she couldn’t be sure. But she didn’t love him now. She wasn’t certain she ever truly had.

How was she to break this news to him, when he’d come all this way, putting himself in mortal danger?

She looked up into the blue eyes she’d once likened to the sea on a cloudless summer’s day. Once, her heart would have sounded a loud tattoo in her chest when she saw those eyes.

It didn’t now.

Once, her lips would have ached for the touch of his.

They no longer did.

Once, her fingers would have yearned to be taken in his and clasped to his heart.

That time was past.

She had to face the fact her feelings had changed—and so had she. She was no longer a lovesick girl. She was now a woman who’d undergone hardships and overcome them, who’d experienced feelings she’d never before dreamed of, and known the intimate touch of a man who stirred her very soul.

Her one-time sweetheart stood before her, young, handsome, fresh-faced, and still with that poetic, romantic soul she’d once so admired. But now she felt no more for this youth than friendship, or the love a sister might have for a brother.

For, youth he still was, even though she could see that military life had hardened him, made him leaner, stronger, and more manly. The look in his eyes had changed—it was more penetrating, more determined than she remembered. But he still had the rounded, boyish cheeks she’d once pressed her lips against, the same full mouth that had uttered words so poetic they’d won her heart.

“What is it?” he demanded anxiously. “You’re so distant. What’s happened?”

God forbid he should find out! She said, “Nothing. I suppose I’ve grown up a little. There are some things I cannot countenance. Eloping is one thing, but deserting from the army is quite another.”

He gave her a gentle shake. “Don’t say you think me a coward!”

“No, of course not. No coward would have taken such a risk to return to their home and their former sweetheart.”

He frowned at the word “former,” then said, “You call me fool, then?”

She shook her head. “Not at all. It’s just…I’m desperately worried about the consequences of what you’ve done.”

“Don’t worry about me,” he replied. “I can change my appearance and my name, and go where no one knows me. I shall find myself a profession. I’ve learned some useful things in the army, like cooking, the use of powder, how to clean guns, make shot, draw and read maps, and care for horses. As soon as I’m well set up and safe, I’ll send for you, and we can be man and wife.”