Page 160 of A Perilous Passion

“Oh, Justin!” She buried her face in her hands. Had he really done this, deserted the army and put his very life at risk, just to be with her again? It was too much—she didn’t deserve it.

And she didn’t want it.

At what point her feelings had undergone such a sea change, she couldn’t be sure. But she didn’t love him now. She wasn’t certain she ever truly had.

How was she to break this news to him, when he’d come all this way, putting himself in mortal danger?

She looked up into the blue eyes she’d once likened to the sea on a cloudless summer’s day. Once, her heart would have sounded a loud tattoo in her chest when she saw those eyes.

It didn’t now.

Once, her lips would have ached for the touch of his.

They no longer did.

Once, her fingers would have yearned to be taken in his and clasped to his heart.

That time was past.

She had to face the fact her feelings had changed—and so had she. She was no longer a lovesick girl. She was now a woman who’d undergone hardships and overcome them, who’d experienced feelings she’d never before dreamed of, and known the intimate touch of a man who stirred her very soul.

Her one-time sweetheart stood before her, young, handsome, fresh-faced, and still with that poetic, romantic soul she’d once so admired. But now she felt no more for this youth than friendship, or the love a sister might have for a brother.

For, youth he still was, even though she could see that military life had hardened him, made him leaner, stronger, and more manly. The look in his eyes had changed—it was more penetrating, more determined than she remembered. But he still had the rounded, boyish cheeks she’d once pressed her lips against, the same full mouth that had uttered words so poetic they’d won her heart.

“What is it?” he demanded anxiously. “You’re so distant. What’s happened?”

God forbid he should find out! She said, “Nothing. I suppose I’ve grown up a little. There are some things I cannot countenance. Eloping is one thing, but deserting from the army is quite another.”

He gave her a gentle shake. “Don’t say you think me a coward!”

“No, of course not. No coward would have taken such a risk to return to their home and their former sweetheart.”

He frowned at the word “former,” then said, “You call me fool, then?”

She shook her head. “Not at all. It’s just…I’m desperately worried about the consequences of what you’ve done.”

“Don’t worry about me,” he replied. “I can change my appearance and my name, and go where no one knows me. I shall find myself a profession. I’ve learned some useful things in the army, like cooking, the use of powder, how to clean guns, make shot, draw and read maps, and care for horses. As soon as I’m well set up and safe, I’ll send for you, and we can be man and wife.”

No! This was getting worse and worse. She had to stop him, no matter what.

“But what if I don’t want to marry a criminal?” she said. “What if I don’t want to wed a man with a price on his head?”

He stiffened and released her, stepping away. It cut to the quick to know she was hurting him, but for weeks now she’d barely given him a thought. The fire of her love for him, which had once filled her world from horizon to horizon, had died.

No, another man’s attractions had eclipsed Justin’s. Rafe’s attentions, like a comet blazing a trail across the night sky, had dazzled her and filled her very being.

Clenching her fists, she strove to resurrect the feelings she’d once had. She knew Rafe could never be hers—she wasn’t sure she even wanted him after he’d used her as he had—so why couldn’t she accept what was being offered to her now? She’d once thought she loved Justin. It might take a little while, but surely she could rekindle that feeling?

Except…she feared that was impossible now. Having felt the touch of a real man, she would never again be satisfied with that of a boy.

“Forgive me,” Justin said. “My sudden appearance has quite overset you. I’m asking too much all at once. I must let you become used to me again. I know I’m no longer the same man that went away. Please, just give me a little time, and I’m sure we shall deal as well as we did before.”

“But Justin, don’t you see? I can’t give you time! You must be gone from here at once. You’re in danger from the forces of both good and ill in this neighborhood.”

“What forces?” he asked with a frown.

“No, I cannot tell you, for another man’s life may depend upon it.”