Page 106 of Kickoff

I wiped my face with my sleeve and turned my head to the side. “Better?”

“All gone. Just so we’re clear on this, you don’t have to justify your actions to me. We’re friends, and it doesn’t come with a free pass to know everything that’s going on in each other’s lives.”

Her words acted as if she had slapped me. A wall rose around her, and I despised the distance she was forcing between us. “And just so we’re clear,” I said, using her own words against her, “it didn’t feel like we were just friends when you licked my chest this morning.” My words were clipped, and I hated myself the moment they left my mouth. “You know we’re way past the friend zone by now. That chemistry, those sparks, I’ve never felt them with anyone else.”

She remained silent, her stare staying trained on the passenger window, her back to me.

“I don’t know what you want from me anymore.”

Finally, she brought her attention to me. “Trust. I’ve seen you sleeping around for over a year, Mase. Everyone has. And I see how girls are around you. You’re like a magnet. I know we’re more than friends by now, and yes, I admit there’s something sizzling when we’re together and I’m a sucker for it, but I’m scared. I’m scared that if I give you my heart, you’ll stomp on it because I’m not like the girls you usually hang out with.”

“Is it about Tanya or something else? You gotta talk to me when things bother you. I thought we were fine. I thought we had decided we’d be together once you figure out whatever stuff you gotta deal with.”

“That’s the thing. I won’t act like a jealous girlfriend when we’re not even officially together.”

“Not yet.”

“You owe me nothing, Mase. As long as we’re not together together, it would be hypocritical of me to ask things from you.”

“Winter Formal is in a month. We agreed we would date by then. I’m trying to go at your pace here. Talk to me or else I can’t guess what’s going on in that pretty head of yours.”

“Would you wanna know?”

“Yes. All of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. I can’t do better if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Is it Tanya? Maybe. Or the girl at the pizza place you flirted with yesterday without even realizing it. And the girls at school who follow you like you own the secret to the next makeup trend. Or the clerk at the library who can’t stop ogling you whenever you step foot in. Oh, and I forgot the three girls who have slipped you their number since we left your place this morning without being discreet about it, even though I was standing right beside you. It’s not fun, Mase.”

“Are you hearing yourself right now?”

“There will always be someone else who’s flirting with you or begging you to follow them home. I’m not stupid, Mase. You are you, and I am me.”

“What’s wrong with you being you? And what does it mean, I am me?”

“Nothing.” She shot both arms over her head before dropping them back to her lap. “I don’t wanna compete with the others. I’m not pretty enough to compete with them. My shoulders are too broad and my eyelashes, not long enough, and unlike you, I’m pretty much inexperienced.”

“Is that how you think I see you? Because let me tell you it’s a load of bullshit. I don’t care about the other girls, Mel. I only care about you. They could parade naked while you are wearing a snowsuit, and I would still think you’re the most beautiful one in the room. I’m aware I have a rep, and I can understand why it would put you off, but I’m not that guy anymore. It has never been me. It was all an act. Something stupid I did to… It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I want you, but I have no clue how to make you trust me once and for all. How to move forward with you without my past tainting the future.”

She said nothing, hugging herself with her arms.

“Is it about the night of the party? The one I spent at your place? The night I was drunk?”

No response.

“I thought we were past this. I said I was sorry and explained myself. I proved myself to you. Over and over. Why can’t you still not trust me with your heart? For your information, I trust you with mine. Fully. I’ve been trusting you since you moved next door and we were just kids.”

She gasped at my revelation.

“See? I’m fully invested in an us. I’m just waiting for you to join me.”

“I need more time. That first night…when you slept at my place…you touched me like no one has ever done before. When we’re together, I forfeit all my defenses. I’m used to being in control. I hate when my heart takes over and my head cedes all its power. And today, it’s your birthday and we’ve spent an amazing day together and now we are fighting and I don’t wanna fight with you. I hate fighting with you.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. “I’m a mess. I can’t think clearly these days. Everything feels like a battle. It’s like all I am doing is climbing an invisible mountain, and I still can’t reach the top.”

I pulled her into my arms over the console between our seats. At first, she resisted, but eventually, she let go, and I lifted her up until she straddled me. I kept my arms fastened around her and slowly, she relaxed in my embrace. “Shhh. It’s okay. For the record, I don’t wanna fight with you either. I’ll give you more time to get used to the idea we are it. And I’ll keep proving to you I’m not that guy who used to sleep around. He’s the past version of me. The chickenshit version of me. I can do better. No, I will do better. By you. For you.”

“Mase. You don’t have to change for me. You would hate me if you did.”

“I’m doing it for me. I wanna be a guy who’s worthy of you. All day. Every day. The one you’ll trust, no matter what, and whom you will always come back to. The one I am beneath all the bullshit I’ve been hiding under for too fucking long. I hate playing a role to please people, but over time, it has become second nature to me. It’s a hard habit to break, but I want to because I’m not happy. Only you and the game feel real to me. And I want both. No, scratch that. I need both.”

Her cries intensified. “Why do you always say the right thing when I feel vulnerable? Some days, I wish I could go back to hating you…or pretending I did… When I pushed you away, I was in control, and things were not so scary…and confusing”