Page 159 of Game Plan

No way could I hide from him now. He would see right through me. I sighed. I bet I didn’t nail the unaffected tone after all.

When I met his eyes, his face contorted with worry. “Hey, love. Talk to me.” He fell to his knees and circled my waist with his arms, drawing me into his embrace, the one place where I felt truly protected and loved. As if he could tell I was desperate for a hug.

I tried to speak, but my words piled up in my throat. Heartbreaking sobs exited my mouth instead. So much pain stormed inside me. I couldn’t sort through my emotions. All I could focus on was the doctor’s words as they echoed in my head over and over again.

Hi, Melinda. It's Dr. Cameron. I’ve reviewed your results, and I’d like to discuss them with you. There’s no urgency, but I think it’s important we talk in person about what they mean for you going forward. I would like to see you within the next couple of weeks. Sometime after the holiday break. What do you say?

He leaned back. “Mel, what happened? Tell me everything. Are you sad because I asked you to move in with me? For now… It’s…huh…it’s temporary. I don’t wanna freak you out. I just thought you would like it since you’re here all the time anyway, and you told me Cassidy would be away at a cabin with her dad for the holidays. Also, I don’t want you alone in your dorm. I’d much prefer it if you stayed with me so I can keep you safe.”

I wiped my runny nose with the sleeve of his teal and navy-blue varsity hoodie I was wearing and took a full breath in, calming my jittery self. “It’s not that... I swear. I think it’s a great idea…huh…moving in together…”

“But?”

“But I-I can’t.”

I searched his face with my gaze and cradled his cheek with one hand, trying to memorize the feeling of his warm, stubble-covered skin and the way love poured from him whenever our eyes met. “I can’t do this. Listen, I need fresh air. I…I can’t breathe.”

He blinked, pulling away to look at me. “Now?”

I bobbed my head several times. My words tumbled out as I spoke. “Yes. Air. Now. Away from here.”

“What is it? You know you can talk to me.”

“I can’t do this. You and me. It’s too hard.” What was I saying? The words didn’t sound like mine. Was I trying to hurt him because I was hurting? My thoughts spun at a dizzying pace. I can’t do this. You and me. I was making no sense. Now I was scaring even myself.

Mason looked as confused as I felt. “What? Can you repeat that? I think I misheard you just now when you said we were over.”

Over? Bile rose in my throat just thinking about it. That wasn’t what I meant. Right? Did my subconscious know something I didn’t? I shut my eyes, trying to untangle my messy thoughts.

New doubts invaded my mind. Would chasing Mason away be the right thing to do? I didn’t even know what the doctor wanted to talk about. Why was I overreacting? No. He’d said whatever this was would impact my future. I wasn’t overreacting, just reacting to news I wasn’t ready to receive. I racked my brain, trying to read between the lines of what he’d implied but hadn’t said out loud.

“Mel? I love you. You love me. Tell me I’m misunderstanding you.”

Geez, by being so nice, he was making the situation even more difficult. I ran away from him once because I thought I wasn’t good enough for him. This time, I had the certitude destiny was determined to complicate our lives and throw us curveballs we hadn’t seen coming...or keep us apart. Something was wrong with me. I was certain of it now. Ohmygod, was it cancer? Nah. If it were, he would have said it was urgent. Once, I’d seen a documentary about a girl my age who went blind without any prior symptoms. These things happened. It would still be considered an emergency if I were losing my sight, right? My heart banged against my ribs. See? I was a flight risk. Mason deserved the best, not to be attached to me, a broken wing that would prevent him from flying and reaching his full potential. He didn’t need my drama in his life. He had just stopped using, and after he had gotten beaten up by his teammate because of me, the last thing I yearned for was to impact his future even more. But was breaking up the right thing to do for us? For him? For me?

My heart dissolved into ashes in my chest. Should I leave? I didn’t want to. Nothing made sense anymore.

“Explain to me what you meant because I’m freaking out right now, and you’re not saying anything.”

How could I? I knew nothing except that I was defective somehow. Maybe I could explain the basics. Make him see that being linked to me would be his demise. Explain what the doctor had said. Or the thoughts spinning inside my head.

You should set him free. Set him free? Why was my subconscious making an appearance again? Where was this voice in my head coming from? Did it speak the truth, though? I was aware it was an option; only, my heart had a hard time coming to terms with the idea. I breathed in and breathed out, everything inside me stilling through the storm about to shatter me. I had to leave this room. I wasn’t sure I could think clearly if we looked at each other. After all, Mason Pierce had always been good at reading me and my moods. He would know something else was up and that I was keeping stuff from him. I couldn’t afford this before I knew what to do. Air. Fresh air. Some distance.

“I gotta go for a run. Clear my head. Make sense of everything.”

“No. You can’t go. We gotta talk. I don’t understand what is going on.”

My boyfriend stiffened beside me, watching me, waiting for me to say something.

“I-I just can’t do this right now. I need some air. Us, you and me, it’s…it’s moving too fast. Please, gimme some room to breathe, okay? If you love me, you’ll cut me some slack.” I tried to push back, but he held on to me, making it impossible for me to stand up and run away.

“Mel, you are making zero sense right now. It feels like déjà-vu from last year, almost to the day. Don’t you dare walk away from me without explaining stuff this time. I don’t know if this is your way of breaking up with me, but just in case it’s a lame attempt to do so, listen to me. We said we’d be honest with each other this time around, so this is me speaking my heart. I won’t let you spoil what we have because we both know it’s fucking real. Realer than everything else we’ve both ever experienced before. Realer than any football game or swim meet. Realer than the basic concept of love. We’re it, Shepard. No matter what happens or what your fears are telling you, we are meant to be. It’s written in the sky, burned into my heart, carved into my soul. I’m here. With you. Whatever is going on, I’m not going anywhere. And neither are you.”

I stood there, speechless, and blinked. His words sounded more poetic than any love declaration and threw me off my game. I wasn’t sure where I stood anymore.

Let him go. I wanted to punch the nagging voice in my head that wasn’t invited and wouldn’t mind its own business. To shut it up once and for all.

“Does it have anything to do with what happened with Nichols or the tests they ordered that night after we went back to the ER?”