Page 127 of Game Plan

“Is Craig going?”

“I’m not sure. We didn’t talk about it. I would expect him to tag along, though.”

“My parents offered to visit me instead. They know I’m not ready to come back. Just knowing he might be there… Nah, it would be too hard. I still love him. Even after everything, I can’t seem to let him go. He lied to me, and I still think about him all the time. It’s not healthy. I should move on. I will move on.” Her voice broke on the last word. “One day.”

I said nothing because there was nothing I could say that would ease her pain and make it all better.

“I’m happy we finally got the chance to catch up.”

I swallowed. “Me too. Can…huh…can I call you again some other time?”

“Please, don’t. If we’re meant to be in each other’s lives, someday the universe will make it happen. For now, I can’t do it.”

“At least I’ve tried.” My shoulders sagged in defeat. “I hate the distance I put between us.”

“It’s okay. Maybe I would’ve done the same thing if the roles were reversed. You always say everything happens for a reason. Let’s not overthink this. Bye, Mel.”

“Bye, Paige.”

We hung up, and for the longest time, I stayed immobile, staring at my device, not sure what to make of the last fifteen minutes of my life.

Samuel finished telling a story about how he ate a piece of chocolate cake for a friend’s birthday and didn’t feel ashamed afterward, and we all clapped and smiled. He curtsied, pride flashing across his features. Every time he told us stories about his struggles with his eating disorder, I often pictured Donovan in his place. Some days, I wished he were attending these sessions with me, but deep down, I knew I wouldn’t be able to open up the same way if someone I knew was sitting there.

Meghan and Victoria updated us on the latest developments with their parents before it was my turn to share.

“Melinda, anything new with you since our last meeting?”

Even though my reunion with Paige hadn’t ended up with us being best friends again, I was still proud of myself for reaching out to her and for the fact that we’d made peace. “I mended things with my former best friend. I…I turned my back on her last year because she was the one who snitched on me when I relapsed. She told my parents, my coach, my other best friend, and I ended up all alone because I couldn’t face them or the truth at that time. I had never made amends before now. We talked over the phone, and even if we’re not back to being friends per se, we cleared the air, and I don’t think we’re upset with each other anymore. Or at least, not as much as we used to be. She’s heartbroken over her boyfriend, and I wish I could be there for her because I can tell she’s having a hard time, but she knows I’m available if she ever needs to talk. That thought alone makes me happy. It was the last relationship I had to repair, and I was afraid to do it. Now that it’s done, I feel better. Saying you’re sorry to the ones you hurt is no fun, and it took me a lot of courage to do it. It was her ex-boyfriend who encouraged me to reach out to her.”

I fidgeted with my fingers, glancing at my feet for a minute.

Sadness wrapped around my heart as I thought of Paige.

“Talking to her made me realize I’d burned a lot of bridges when I got sick last year. I pushed away people I cared about and who cared about me because I was ashamed of who I had become and…because I got caught. I don’t know if one day I’ll be able to forgive myself for the pain I caused. I can see it now. It was selfish of me to end these relationships on my own terms, without considering how it affected anyone else. But hey, I talked to her and apologized, and I’m proud of myself for doing so. It was a huge deal for me.”

I used my sleeve to wipe the tears welling up in my eyes.

“Melinda. Look at me.” Luciana’s low voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

I did as she said, breathing through my mouth to keep my emotions in check.

“What you did was brave. You are right. It takes a lot of courage to say sorry to those we love after we hurt them. Even if you and your friend don’t end up being best friends again, what you did will bring you both some sort of closure. It will not repair the past or change what happened, but it will help seal the tears your lies caused. Don’t be too hard on yourself. What you just shared today proves that you’re growing up. It shows that you’re maturing and taking accountability for your past actions. You're owning up to your mistakes, and that's truly impressive. I’m very proud of you right now. You’ve grown so much since our first session. Eating disorders are mental health disorders. Never forget that. None of us chose them, they all chose us—for many reasons we won’t go into right now.

“You guys being here shows that you're aware you're dealing with a disorder that's not always within your control. But one thing is clear. You are doing something about it. You wanna get better. Sure, you might relapse, or it could get harder to resist every day. You may even face other mental health issues related to it, like OCD, anxiety, or depression. But what matters is, you're choosing to sit in the driver’s seat and not let the disorder control your life anymore. Don’t be ashamed. Never. Be accountable. That’s much better and way more positive. Get yourself a support system. Come to these sessions. Meet with a shrink or a peer who understands your reality. Don’t ever isolate yourself or blame yourself, because it only keeps you stuck in the past. Moving forward means accepting the diagnosis and taking steps to heal and get better. Please, let’s take a minute to applaud ourselves and one another. We are all strong and beautiful fighters who deserve the recognition.”

Lucianna clapped her hands, and soon, we all followed. Grins shaped everyone’s lips, and for once, I understood the power of these group therapy sessions.

When I left twenty minutes later, I felt ten times lighter, and I had the certitude I could beat this disorder once and for all. I would do it all for me because I deserved better, and I knew I could be better. Then I would do it for the ones I loved and who loved me back. Because they deserved the best version of me too.

33

I’m too young to be fed my balls

“Okay, so the guys called, and they’re throwing me a birthday bash tonight,” Mason said as he steered the car, his gaze flickering between the road, me sitting to his right, and his brother settled in the backseat. I had offered Craig the passenger seat before we left, but he’d turned it down. “Are you guys in?”

“I thought Mom was throwing you a small party and making your favorite dinner, aka lasagna, tonight?” Craig asked.

“Yeah, but Chase called her to negotiate the terms and requested some time with me too. You know him. We’ll have brunch with Mom and Dad on Friday morning instead, before driving back here. Also, Mom’s making lasagna to-go, which I’ll bring back to Crestwood with me.” He turned to face me and winked. “Shepard, you and I, we’ll have our own celebration next week as planned.”