Page 69 of Pink and Country

What if Jack had had an accident… or something was wrong with the baby?

I cursed under my breath. The caring side of me won the battle, and I accepted the call.

“Dear God, Carter. Finally. Where are you?”

I sighed. “Are you and Jack okay?” Nothing else mattered.

“Yes. It’s you I’m worried about.” Some tension left my back. They were both fine. “You’re in one of your episodes, aren’t you?” I glanced around, trying to gather my thoughts. “Carter, talk to me. Where are you? I’ll come meet you.” Dahlia kept her voice even and low, knowing I needed her calm. She was used to dealing with my racing thoughts.

“I’ll be fine, Dah. I’m messed up. It all goes too fast in my head, and I panicked.”

“Honey, it’s okay. I’m here. What do you need?”

“Don’t hang up. Talk to me. I need to hear your voice. In my head, it’s all fucked up. I’m sore. I’m tired.” My voice cracked, and hot tears pooled in my eyes. “I’m so tired, Dah. Like I wanna sleep forever.”

Dahlia sucked in a low breath. “Don’t say that, Carter. You don’t want to sleep forever. If you do, I’d haunt you in your grave, you know I would.”

I snickered. Dahlia knew I didn’t want to sleep my life off. And she also knew how to lift my spirits.

“What happened? Was it Nashville?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. I’m restless.”

Dahlia hesitated for a few beats. “It’s April, isn’t it?” I stayed silent. She sighed and raised her voice a tad. “Carter, is it about her? Talk to me.”

I cleared my throat. “I’m scared. I’m never scared about anything. I’m Carter Hills. I’m supposed to be in control all the fucking time. I’m never supposed to mess up because the entire world will judge me afterward. I’m supposed to hide my feelings, my insecurities, and my stupid fears, so people won’t take advantage of me. I’m supposed to piss gold and shit diamonds.” A sarcastic laugh escaped my mouth. “I’m not sure I can be in a relationship. I’m no boyfriend material. I’m too fucked up. My last relationship was hell, and even my own mother left me. She preferred to be sad than around her son. I’m still hung up on my childhood best friend, and I can’t process my brother’s death six years later. What does it say about me?” I yelled the next words. “Tell me. How could April want to be with someone like me? I’m damaged goods. Whenever I put my heart on the line, it always gets crushed.”

A long silence stretched between us. None of us dared commenting about the confidences I just threw on the table.

“Carter—” Dahlia’s voice, soft and comforting, sounded like music in my ears. “You’re not in love with me. You’re in love with the image of us you’ve created in your mind when we were kids. We’re best friends, soulmates even, but we’ve talked about this countless times. Together, we wouldn’t be good. We’re too emotional around each other. And I’m in love with Nick. With all my heart. I’ll always love you, but I’m not in love with you.

“I’ll always be there for you, though. You know that. Jeff loved you too. He’d be so proud of who you’ve become. Your brother always envied your talent. He asked me multiple times why he didn’t inherit those genes too.” Dahlia’s words brought a trace of a smile to my lips. “Jeff wanted you to succeed. He always wanted what was best for you. Always.”

I let out a long-buried sob. “I did something horrible to him, Dah. I slept with his girlfriend. Jeff trusted me to take care of you, and I let him down. And then I shut him out. I’m sure I’m the reason he dropped dead. Me.” I screamed the last word.

“Shhh, Carter. Don’t blame yourself. I’m the one who cheated on him. Jeff knew about that night. I told him.”

“You did?” I blinked, my jaw hanging open.

“Yeah. I couldn’t marry Jeff without being honest with him. He didn’t hate us for what happened. He always knew there was a strong bond between you and me that needed to be settled. I promised him it was a one-time thing, and he agreed to look past our indiscretion. He wasn’t happy about it. He got mad and everything, but he didn’t push me away. That’s how amazing he was. Never blame yourself.”

My hands shook. My heart leaped in my throat.

Memories that had haunted me for so long, memories I’d carried around for all these years, lifted from my shoulders. “About your mom, it’s messed up, but there’s nothing you can do about it. You tried. We all know you tried. She’s heartbroken and has no idea how to overcome her grief. Same for your dad. They love you, Cart. They just failed at dealing with their own broken hearts.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that they left me. They fucking left me. All alone.”

My throat worked. Could my body shut down from too much pain?

“You’re not alone. I’m here. We’re here. And about April, I think you should talk to her. She’s a smart girl. You two should figure out what you want. Together. It’s not just up to you.”

A long minute passed before she spoke again.

“And Carter, you are boyfriend material. You don’t give yourself enough credit. All these years, you’ve only been distracting yourself. Maybe it’s time you stop finding excuses, let go of the past, and act like a man. Any woman would be lucky to be loved by you.”

I let Dahlia’s last words simmer for a moment. “I love you, Dah.”

“I love you too, Carter. I always will. Now call back your people; they’re worried sick about you. Nobody has heard from you in the last three days. They think you got into an accident or something. About everything else you said, we’ll talk about it later. Talk to April. Please. Don’t shut her out. Don’t push her away. She’s good for you. I can tell. You need someone like her in your life. It’s okay to be scared. Just don’t be scared alone.”