Page 69 of Talk to Me

“That,” he said, turning to mirror my stance, “I haven’t figured out.”

I smiled at him. Someone not having an answer for everything, and being able to admit it, is a sign of intelligence. Theo admitting he hadn’t fully figured out a theory for why we were so different when it came to our feelings about the internet made me appreciate him more.

“I feel lonely a lot,” Theo said suddenly, staring directly into my eyes. “I mean, not so much in the last couple months—”

He blushed.

“—but before that. At Blaze. With Ben. Ever since I started doing videos for Peepers. So, sometimes I don’t get why I keep doing it.”

I chewed at my lip as we stood there, a hand’s width apart, and stared at each other.

“Maybe because the internet is not a real place?” I said, smiling.

“Huh?”

“None of it’s real,” I said. “It’s not genuine. Here—”

I gestured to the farm around us.

“—even though there’re fewer people to interact with, they get all of me,” I explained. “My mom and Dad and Evie get the genuine me. The good, the bad, and everything in between. They don’t get some filtered version of who I am. So, if they like me, it’s because they know me.”

Theo turned to lean on the fence and look at the darkening horizon again.

“On Peepers,” I said, “you curate who you are. Your followers aren’t seeing your bad days, or even your okay days. You’re showing them only the things about your life that you think are cool. They don’t know you. They know this version of yourself you’ve created through curation.”

“Yeah.”

“And you get rewarded for it. So, you work to curate more experiences that aren’t necessarily genuine, but will look good online,” I said, turning to lean beside him. “And when people give you attention for it, it makes you feel lonely because even you know it’s not completely real.”

Theo said nothing, but he didn’t stop me.

“That’s why your interview with Arthur did so well,” I said. “It was raw and real and he didn’t try to create some narrative that looked cool. He just told a true story that happened to be interesting. That’s why our Halloween dance went viral. We didn’t do that because we planned to make a video for Peepers. We did it because you thought it was funny and we wanted to see if anyone at the bonfire would ‘get it’. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s why everyone is terminally online at school and all over the place,” I said. “They’re trying to build these communities because they’re lonely, but because people only like and share the things that they think are cool and interesting—usually curated shit—people feel compelled to only share certain parts of themselves. They get rewarded for lopping off entire parts of who they are to make themselves palatable to others. That’s why everyone is so lonely who is terminally online. A lot of their relationships online are built on half-truths and curation.”

Theo chuckled bitterly.

“So,” he said, “being an influencer is kind of shit?”

“I didn’t say that.” I laughed and bumped him with my hip. “But if it’s a job, let it be a job. Don’t make it your life. That’s all I’m saying. Create a real life away from all of that, too. And if you want to feel less lonely online, stop sharing only the things you think people will like and share. Create videos of things you actually care about—things that are important and meaningful to you. Then you’ll find genuine followers who like you for you. Maybe you’ll feel less lonely.”

Theo turned to stare at me, his face blank.

“Or I’m totally full of shit and I’m simply a pretentious asshole who thinks he’s above the online life,” I said with a shrug.

Theo gave me a genuine laugh and I joined in. We stood there for a bit, staring at each other, then turned in unison to look out at the horizon.

“So,” I said finally, “what’s it like at your house? What would we be doing if we’d gone there for Thanksgiving instead?”

Theo gave me a quizzical look and stared at me for a moment.

“What?” I asked.

“My dad’s a teacher and my mom is a hair stylist,” he said. “I grew up in this little three-bedroom house in Schenectady. We don’t really have a lot of family, so it’d be kind of quiet compared to here.”

“Do your sister and brother-in-law come to Thanksgiving sometimes or do they always invite your parents upstate?” I asked.