Page 134 of The Warmth of Our Closest Star

“Well, you sound upset.”

“Good Lord, Peter,” I grumbled, turning to sit with my feet on the floorboard. “I’m not upset. It’s just that…why bring it up? Now?”

“Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?” he asked, sliding across the seat to be closer to me. “I thought you’d be happy. What’s going on here?”

“Nothing’s going on,” I said, and even I knew I sounded grumpy. “I just don’t know why you brought that up randomly today. That’s all.”

“Babe,” Peter slid closer and put his arm around me, “what’s going on?”

Sighing, I did my best to deflect Peter’s question. I knew that I was falling back on bad habits of pushing things away when I didn’t have the words to explain how I felt. Or, maybe, even I didn’t know how I felt. But I couldn’t force myself to address Peter’s question in a way that expressed what I was thinking and feeling.

“Nothing,” I said, lifting myself and, preparing to climb into the front seat. “Let’s go home.”

“How did you suddenly go from ‘yay, we just had great sex’ to grumpy Enzo?” Peter grumbled. “We were having a good day.”

Annoyed, I grabbed the door handle and popped the backdoor open. A sheet of rain slapped against me and assaulted the interior of the car as I jumped out, slamming the door behind me. I had barely made it to the front of the car, marching angrily away, before Peter caught up to me. Dashing through the rain from the other side of the car, he met me at the hood. Peter grabbed me by my upper arms, stopping me.

“What are you doing?” he shouted over the rain.

I refused to look at him.

“Look at me, Enzo!” he shouted desperately. “Don’t ignore me!”

Forcing myself to comply, I turned my head into the rain and look into his eyes, the rain droplets stinging my face as we stared at each other.

“What’s going on?” he asked again.

“I don’t know!” I shouted back.

Not angrily—just loudly so that I could be heard over the pounding rain.

“Do you not want a family with me anymore?” he asked. “Is that it?”

“It’s not you! I want you in my life forever, Peter!”

“Then…what?”

Staring off over Peter’s shoulder for a moment, I found myself wondering if there was any way I could simply explain how I felt. How could I explain why his question had bothered me?

“I’m happy, Peter!” I shouted over the rain. “Does it make me a bad person to not want to do anything that might fuck that up?”

Peter’s expression softened and he gripped my arms tightly in his hands, a gesture of reassurance.

“Even if it’s something I’ve always wanted?” I asked loudly as the rain drenched us. “Maybe dreams aren’t worthwhile if they might interfere with another dream. You know?”

“That doesn’t make you a bad person, Enzo.”

“Why? Now it’s something you want and…maybe I’ve changed my mind. Maybe I…I’m scared to do anything that will change what we have, Peter.”

Peter stared at me.

“And how could we bring a child into this world, you know?” I shook my head. “Just because you want something doesn’t mean it’s the best thing. Everything is so messed up and scary and…do we want to bring a life into it?”

“I don’t know.”

“I love you so much, Peter.” He smiled and squeezed me tighter as I spoke. “That will never change. I don’t want this to ever change. This—us—is the most important thing to me.”

“You’re the most important thing to me, too, Enzo.”