Page 56 of Sending Love Letters to Animals

“Well, we may as well start catching up now.” Chris smiled playfully.

Then he brought his hand up to the armrest and took my hand in his. Our eyes met and…nothing. Having a guy hold my hand—for the first time ever—felt like Jules was holding my hand. Or my mother. It was simply a hand like any other hand. Wasn’t I supposed to feel sparks when a guy who I was supposed to be romantically interested in held my hand? Maybe that didn’t come until the first kiss or something?

With a clarity I’d never felt before in my life, I realized that I wasn’t so sure I wanted Chris to kiss me.

I was so confused.

“Hey.” I started at the sound of Davud’s voice.

My hand slipped out from under Chris’ as I turned to Davud. He was looking at me blankly, his hands on his wheels.

“What’s up?” I asked a little too excitedly.

Chris grabbing my hand and it meaning nothing had left me shaken.

“I’m not feeling real great,” Davud said, simply. “I think I’m going to go text Mom and see if she can come get me.”

“Oh, no,” I said. “Man, I’m sorry. Do you want me to take you home so you don’t have to wait for her?”

“No,” Davud said with a shake of his head. “Stay. You worked hard on this.”

“I really didn’t,” I said with a laugh and started to stand.

“No,” Davud repeated firmly. “It’s okay. Mom will come get me. Okay?”

“Yeah.” I frowned. “Okay.”

Davud nodded firmly, then turned his chair and began wheeling himself up the aisle towards the back of the auditorium. I sighed, watching his back as he got further and further away. Finally, I turned back to Chris. He was staring at me.

“Sorry.” I smiled. “Davud’s not feeling well.”

“I heard,” Chris looked perplexed.

“So, anyway,” I said, my voice trailing off for a moment, “I guess the show will start soon, and—”

“We can’t pick up where we left off, can we?” Chris leaned in, his voice barely a whisper.

Looking into Chris’ eyes, I felt sad. Not in a despairing way, but sad because, once again, I was faced with having to disappoint Chris. His hand on mine had felt like nothing. I knew, deep down, that he was only a friend. And he’d never be more than that. The part that bothered me the most—I wasn’t sure I was even bothered by it. All throughout high school, I’d wanted a boyfriend. A romance of some kind. Chris was right there. It had been a long journey to there, but he was right beside me.

And it wasn’t what I wanted.

“No,” I said. “I think…maybe we expected too much?”

“Time skewed our memories of each other?” He asked with a chuckle.

He didn’t even seem upset. It was almost as if he wasn’t surprised, either. Merely disappointed. After the years of him hating me, me hating myself, both of us wondering how the other was doing, and then finally reconnecting and finding forgiveness and understanding, there was nothing there. Our friendship in junior high hadn’t been headed towards something else. It was just one of those things that young kids like to fantasize about…until reality pulls the curtain back and you’re left standing there staring at a man pulling levers.

“Yeah,” I said. “But if you’re into it, I’d like to be friends again? Get to know each other again so that we can be really good friends?”

Chris smiled. “I’d like that. I never turn down a good friend. You were one of the best.”

“You were, too,” I said.

Sadness overwhelmed me and I felt ridiculous. Because even though Chris and I would never be anything more, it was almost certain we would be best friends again. That was nothing to be sad about. However, when I started to really examine how I was feeling, I realized that I felt empty. Not because Chris and I would never date or have some epic romance, but because something was missing. Then it dawned on me.

Davud wasn’t there.

The last few months of my life hadn’t been great because Chris and I were reconnecting, or that he had forgiven me, and we were reconnecting. I’d learned to enjoy my life because Davud had become such a big part of it. I looked forward to each day that he asked for a ride to school or a ride home. The promise of a movie night at the end of the week kept me going because I’d be hanging out with Davud. I kept going day after day because it was another opportunity to somehow find a way to make Davud part of my day.