Page 45 of A Straight Line

“Oh, you sweet summer child,” She said.

Everyone laughed harder.

“If someone goes off to work and comes back two hours later with a pocket full of cash, they’re either selling weed or ass, honey,” She said, to which everyone laughed. “He was doing both.”

The laughter swelled as Bang Bang worked the stage.

“Speaking of fucked up jobs,” She said, “do you know what the mohel said to the prostitute?”

The crowd responded with a round of “no’s” again.

“You can keep the tip!” Bang Bang screeched and slapped at her knee.

Again, more laughter rang out in the bar.

“Oh, my,” Bang Bang sighed, “we have all the time in the world for dick jokes. And no one tells a dick joke like…”

“A queen trying to hide one!” The crowd, including me, shouted back.

“Oh!” Bang Bang clutched at her chest with joy. “My babies!”

Everyone cheered.

“But,” Bang Bang peered out into the crowd towards Harry’s and Vic’s table, “this is a special performance for me tonight. And I guess it’s not really a performance—because I’m not getting fucking paid.”

The crowd erupted with laughter once again.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Bang Bang waved a dismissive hand. “Leave it to your two best friends to fuck with your bag and feel good about it, amirite?”

More hoots and hollers. I could see Harry and Vic over the crowd, and Harry was flipping Bang Bang off from their table, which made me smile.

“Now that will cost you, Harry.” Bang Bang shouted at him. “I’ve never done that for free.”

The crowd roared with laughter as Bang Bang moved to stage left, the spotlight following her. A projector screen came into the blowing circle cast by the spotlight, and then the spotlight slowly started to dim. A picture was suddenly cast on the screen that was just above Bang Bang’s head.

“I’m here to pay tribute to two of the ugliest queens this town has ever seen,” She said. “And I mean that with all of the love in my heart.”

The crowd “awwwwed” at her.

“For forty years, Vic and Harry Thomas have run this bar—A Straight Line—and it has been a beacon of hope for all of us. A safe space. A home. A place for our community to come together. A place to get chlamydia or a good hamburger.”

Laughter rolled through the crowd.

“It has been my home away from home for four decades,” Bang Bang said as she pointed up at the screen, which I suddenly realized was a picture of my uncles, “all because these two men up there had a vision for Littleburg. A Straight Line. The best little queer bar in all of the Midwest. You know how this bar got its name?”

Everyone responded with a round of “no’s” once more.

“Well, we thought having ‘straight’ in the name would confuse the cops first of all,” Bang Bang chuckled. “Of course, on the first night we were open, we had to assure the queers that the straight line we were talking about was the line to the gloryholes!”

Everyone was laughing uproariously yet again. Then Bang Bang drew everyone’s attention back to the picture over her head on the projection screen. The crowd made appreciative noises again as Bang Bang looked up at the picture lovingly.

“I took that picture of them while we were all in Greece years and years ago,” She sighed. “A bunch of queers in Greece. Just like Broadway.”

More laughter.

“Look at those two.” She shook her head. “Never a bit of fashion sense. Even with me as a friend, they never could figure out how to dress. Those shirts. The pants. Those shoes! Whoever would have thought those leathery, worn-out things were cute? The shoes are pretty bad, too!”

We all erupted with laughter again, and I could see that Harry and Vic were enjoying the roasting as much as the rest of us.