Page 38 of Jacob Michaels Is Not Jacob Michaels

“We were going to be together again.” He finished, biting off his last word like it was sharp and had pricked his tongue. “That we would no longer be forced to be apart. I knew that. I know things. Remember?”

“What else do you know?”

“Is Ernst one of the little creatures that live in Mrs. Wagner’s house?” He asked lowly. “Lena? You said their names before we left the house.”

My eyes grew wide.

Lucas tapped the side of his head with one finger.

“I know things. Maybe I can’t fill in all of the details, but I know things.” He said before I could ask. “Eggs, bacon, and pancakes was your favorite breakfast when you were young. You never made any friends in Hollywood because you knew you wouldn’t be staying. You never bought a house because you knew you wouldn’t be staying. You never stayed in one place for long because you never felt at home. You didn’t leave Hollywood because you were worn out and lost all the weight. You left because you knew that if you stayed, you’d keep on not caring how much you wasted away.”

I took a deep breath, shocked at how deep Lucas’ words cut.

“When you met me…again…behind Mrs. Wagner’s house the other day, you thought I was a weirdo vegetarian loner who probably had bodies in his basement.”

He chuckled at that.

“Were you reading my mind?”

“I just knew.” He shrugged. “Later.”

“That’s almost exactly what I thought.”

“What do you think now?” He asked gently.

Shaking my head, I stood up.

“That none of this makes sense,” I grumbled. “All of this makes sense, and it doesn’t make sense. It feels right, but it doesn’t add up.”

Stomping up the steps, I ascended six rows and then plopped down on the end of one of the bleachers, feeling defeated. Lucas turned to look up at me as I leaned forward and put my head in my hands, trying to figure out what was wrong with my brain. Lucas knew absolutely true things—stuff I’d never told anyone. He knew everything I felt when I had gone off and lived the Hollywood lifestyle. Truthfully, he could have guessed any of those things—they weren’t uncommon for people who sought out fame and fortune in such a way—but I knew that he hadn’t guessed. I knew that as well as I couldn’t remember the things that I wanted to remember.

“Hey, babe.” Lucas sighed.

I lifted my head to look down at him.

“I’m so tired, Lucas.” I shook my head. “Jacob Michaels is tired. But Robert Wagner won’t come back and switch places with him. At least, not permanently. And that’s frustrating as fuck because I’m not Jacob Michaels. I’ve never been him. I didn’t go to Hollywood to act in movies. I went to Hollywood to act like Jacob Michaels. But I’m not him. It was like I was running away and pretending to be someone else so that I wouldn’t be Robert Wagner for a while. And I don’t know why. I don’t know if I just don’t remember why…or if I never knew why.”

Lucas’ face dropped.

“What could have happened that made me not want to be Robert Wagner so desperately that I just pulled up stakes and snuck away in the dead of night?” I was pleading with him as though he were an oracle. “Because I don’t remember. My brain tells me that I wanted to get away. Live my life. Find fame and fortune. But…I swear to you right now…that’s not true. I know it’s not true even though my brain says it is. I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that that was something I told myself to make the whole thing easier. Easier to do and easier to understand.”

“Rob…”

“Do you know what I did when I first went to L.A.?” I asked. “I found an agent on my first day. She let me stay with her until I was eighteen-years-old. We had to lie about my age. I had auditions the next week. Within two years, I was starring in movies and had a record deal. Two years, Lucas. I was already a multi-millionaire by age twenty. By age twenty-one, I had been around the world at least three times, filming here, filming there, performing concerts everywhere, being a household name.”

Lucas was staring at me.

“That doesn’t make sense either,” I said. “I could charm my way into any job I wanted. And when I did the job—acted or sang or performed in any way, I could make people believe that it was a good job. I wasn’t even trying. It was like something took me over, Lucas. Jacob Fucking Michaels possessed me. I don’t even know who he is—but he’s not me.”

“That’s really…messed up, babe.” Lucas shook his head with a smile. “It’s like you believe that you are literally two separate people.”

I chuckled bitterly.

“No.” I shook my head. “Not like two different people…but he’s this personality that lived inside of me, peeking out when he was needed so that another goal could be achieved. Do you know how I know that?”

“How?”

“I was in London,” I said. “I was about to do my first show there—before things really took off with the music. I was standing in the wings of the stage, totally petrified. Like, literally petrified. I couldn’t move. But then, my cue came and that all just sloughed off. I strutted out there and gave a performance that would have made any season artist envious. Here I am. I’m Jacob Michaels, and I will make you love me. Then the concert was over, and I was riding a high—so damn chuffed. And when I got back to the hotel…and I was alone again…Jacob Michaels disappeared. I cried myself to sleep that night—horrified at how phony I was, how scared I had been the whole time I was on stage. Jacob Michaels was a buffer to all of the people and the cheers and the flashes of lights and the…insanity of being a celebrity. But, when he wasn’t needed, Jacob Michaels dipped. I was Robert Wagner again. And I was terrified. Because I had no idea what I was doing there. Well, not literally. I’m not crazy. I knew that I was there, performing a concert, that I was also an actor…but I had no idea why I would want to be there. That began my day-to-day existence, Lucas. Every day I wasn’t at home, in Point Worth, I used Jacob Michaels as a mask for Robert Wagner. To shield me from how I truly felt, to make myself feel like everything I was doing was exactly what I wanted. But I didn’t want it. None of it.”