Page 175 of Slapshot Baby

My mother's hands tighten on the ceramic, lips press together, her eyes bright.

"How far along?"

"Almost five months."

"And she never told you?"

"No."

"Oh, Kai." The words come out soft. Weighted. "Oh, sweetheart."

"Don't feel sorry for me."

"I'm not feeling sorry for you. I'm feeling sorry for both of you."

She reaches across the table and covers my hand with hers. Her palm is warm in the way that only a mother's hand can be.

"Tell me what happened when you found out about the baby."

I pull my hand back, cross my arms.

"It’s okay to be angry about it, Kai."

"I’m more than angry. I feel stupid, Mom. She was in my bed every night with my baby inside her and I didn't see it. I touched her stomach, noticed her body changing. I told her she was beautiful and she smiled at me and I didn't say a single thing."

My mother's eyes soften."What else?"

"I'm in love with someone who can't trust me. Nothing I did over five months was enough to make her feel safe telling me the most basic truth about our relationship."

"You think this is about whether you were enough?"

"What else would it be about?"

"What did she say when you asked why she didn't tell you?"

"That every time she tried, something stopped her. My health, my career, my amnesia. She said she was scared I'd feel trapped.” I pause, breathing in to calm myself. “But I showed her my love every day.”

"When Ava came to the hospital," Mom says, "she'd texted your phone first. I answered. She said she needed to reach you about something urgent."

"She told me."

"I remember her face when she walked into that corridor, Kai. She was terrified. I think she came to tell you about the baby but didn’t when you couldn’t remember her"

The kitchen goes very quiet.

"I want you to do something," Mom says. "And I want you to actually do it, not just nod and tell me what you think I want to hear."

"What?"

"Pretend you’re her for a few minutes. Not you in her situation. Her. With everything you know about her."

"Mom..."

"Five minutes. Then you can be angry again. I'll even be angry with you if that's what you need. But do this first."

I lean back. Close my eyes.

Fine. Pretend to be Ava.