Page 172 of Slapshot Baby

There’s heavy silence after that.

Kai puts my phone down on the coffee table, presses his thumbs into his waistband and stares at the ceiling.

"Were you ever going to let me find out on my own or were you planning to keep lying until it showed?"

"It's already showing."

I drop my arms. The towel shifts enough to reveal the slight curve beneath it, the roundness above my hips that I've been hiding under his hoodies and loose shirts and sex positions that kept his hands away from my belly.

"You touched it tonight. You've been touching it for weeks. You just didn't know what you were touching."

His eyes drop to my midsection. Something passes over his face that is so unguarded, so stripped of strategy, that I almost reach for him.

Don't. You don't get to comfort him right now. You're the reason he needs comforting.

“It’s so small. I never suspected you were pregnant.” Then his eyes harden. “Were you lying about the blood transfusion also?”

"It was for the baby. I have a blood condition. My antibodies are attacking the baby's blood cells. I couldn't tell you about the transfusion without telling you about the baby."

His expression changes instantly. “Is the baby okay?”

“Yes.” My throat tightens. “The transfusion worked. The doctors are monitoring everything closely, but the baby’s okay. We should only need one more transfusion, and then we should be in the clear.”

Some of the tension leaves his shoulders, but only for a second.

Then his eyes come back to mine. “You could have told me about the baby.”

"I tried. That night I called you and passed out."

"After months of not trying."

I flinch. Physically, full body, the way an animal flinches when the hand it trusted moves too fast.

"Why did you fall in love with me?" he asks.

The question comes from a different place than the others.

Lower. Rawer.

"Because you see me. You see the real thing and you stay anyway."

"How would I know what's real? Everything I know about you sits on top of a lie."

"Not everything."

"Name one thing."

"I told you about my father. I gave you the worst thing about me and I didn't hide a word of it."

"Just because you told me one thing doesn't mean you trust me. You didn't even trust me enough to tell me about the baby."

He's right. I don't trust him despite all he’s done. I’ve tried my best but sometimes I wonder if he’ll leave.

"I need space." He says it to the floor.

"You think I'm lying about the baby being sick?"

"I don't know what you're lying about anymore, Ava. That's the point."