Page 55 of Heimlock

A small, soft hand grabs my free one. Kyrielle looks at me with a pleading expression. “Just what?”

Clenching my jaw, I struggle to overcome this entire emotional mountain blocking my ability to speak. For other people, maybe speaking their thoughts and feelings is as easy as breathing. Most of the time, I’d rather take a knife to my wings than expose myself.

But the way she looks at me, how her hand feels in mine, the mountain cracks a little. Taking advantage of the momentary weakness, I say, “I just wish it was for more than one night.”

Internally, I’m wilting, terrified she’s going to disagree or reinforce that it was a good thing it was only one night. Or maybe she’ll laugh at me, like others have. Make me feel small. Too small.

“I wish it hadn’t been for one night either,” she whispers, nibbling on her lip. Her words feed the flickering light inside ‌me. The memory of those lips on mine aches in my heart. Scratch that — the memory of that night makes everything ache. All the time.

My ears ache for her laughter.

My heart aches for her smile.

My skin aches for hers against mine.

We played with fire, and despite being made of it, we both got burned.

The lump in my throat fights back as I swallow. “But it was. Because we agreed it made the most sense.”

“Yeah,” she murmurs, looking away. My hand twitches with the need to touch her face. To rub a thumb across her cheekbone and down that thick lower lip. Tilt her head upward … to run my nose along her neck. To bite—

“And … it was the best decision, right?”

Her words yank me from the daydream. Is she actually asking me to confirm if her rule makes sense? That all of that chemistry was worth wasting? That spending the last few months searching for a quick glimpse of creamsicle hair was the best option?

The immediate impulse to scream NO! has me stepping back. She frowns at the movement. Clearing my throat, I say, “I think the decision reflected the reality at that time.”

When she closes the gap between us, my hands begin to tremble. What is she doing?

“What if, this once, we made it a second night? We can go to your place or head over to the nearest bush?”

Her joke doesn’t resonate. Ice fills my body, stilling my racing thoughts. The corruption decaying my heart intensifies. It’s difficult to not let hate fill my expression. “So, one more fuck?”

It comes out more harshly than intended, but I can’t find the will to apologize. All her words do is reinforce exactly how women view me.

My confession’s rooted in my desire for her as a person and less about sex — even if the memories of our one-night stand distract me more than they should. To be honest, I’d rather spend the day hearing her laugh. To listen to battle arena stories and create inside jokes. The small, objective part of my brain understands why she thought differently, but it’s not in charge right now.

Devastating shame is at the helm.

She jerks back slightly. “You’re right, it was a silly thing to say. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t—”

I hand her the leftovers. Dumbfounded, she takes them. With a trembling voice, I say, “How about we agree to never speak about that night ever again? It will only make this process more complicated.” Silver lines her eyes, but I’ve shut off every single emotion; I don’t care. “Fynn and Orliana’s happiness is more important than whatever mess we’d just make.”

Expression blank, I turn away from her. Kyrielle calls my name, but I ignore her, choosing to walk right off the ledge of the cliff. This is my penance for vulnerability. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Allowing people the opportunity to hurt me? All because I want to be loved? Fucking pathetic.

I don’t shift into Dragon form until the very last second, right before the earth squashes me into oblivion.

Growing accustomed to tasting the edge of death.

Making it a more palatable future meal.

22

I’ve hurt him … but how? On my way to Fynn’s, I replay the conversation non-stop. He said that he wished the one-night stand had been longer, right? What else could he have possibly meant? Not a relationship … right?

No, that can’t be it. He’s pushed me away far too many times to even think that could be it. Plus, he never quit the Battle Gym. As far as I know, he’s never considered it. Neither have I. Clearly, that’s not the reason.

So what upset him?