Page 135 of Raspados & Regret

That scares me more than saying yes in front of a customer.

Elías’s lips part, and I keep going before I lose my nerve.

“I want you. I want this. I don’t know how to do it, and I’m going to fuck it up because apparently that’s a skill I fucking have down to a science, but when she asked and you said no, it’s like a piece of me died.”

His face twists with something closer to agony.

“You told me you needed time,” he says.

“I know.”

“I respected that. Then you said yes in front of strangers.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

My hands curl.

I should say, “I wanted to choose you before I lost the nerve.”

Because I wanted the word out where I couldn’t shove it back in.

Because you said no, and I realized I would rather panic in public than watch you protect yourself from me like I already broke something.

“I didn’t want you to think I was ashamed of you.”

The fight leaves his face, not all at once.

Slowly.

Like a flame going lower but not out.

His shoulders drop. “Fabián.”

“I’m not ready for everything,” I say fast, because I need him to understand the shape of it. “But I’m not ashamed of you. I’m not. I know I made it sound like that. I know I made you feel like that. But I’m not.”

He looks down, then back up. His eyes are bright.

Dangerous.

“Then don’t make me say no for you again.”

The words land low, and I nod. “Okay.”

“No.” He steps closer. “Say it.”

Of course. Always with the saying things out loud.

I breathe once. “Don’t say no for me.”

His eyes hold mine.

“And?”

I swallow. “And I won’t make you feel like you have to.”

He stares at me for another second. Then he pushes me, hard enough that my back hits the trailer wall and the stacked cups rattle. His mouth crashes into mine, and it is not sweet.