Page 32 of Big Dick Energy

Dallas: Just making sure my WIFE is safe. That's what a good HUSBAND does.

Davidson: Your FAKE wife is perfectly fine without her FAKE husband's fake concern.

Dallas: It's after midnight. In Vegas.

Davidson: Thank you, Captain Obvious. I can tell time.

I sat on the edge of the bed, popping open a couple of buttons on my shirt with one hand while typing with the other.

Dallas: Humor me. Where are you?

Davidson: At a casino.

Dallas: Which casino?

Davidson: Planet Hollywood. Kali’s up $300 at roulette and won't leave. Brooke’s gone through four cosmos and is making friends with a bachelorette party from Ohio. We're having a great time, HUSBAND. No need for a welfare check.

I glanced at my watch. Planet Hollywood was about a five-minute walk from the Bellagio.

Dallas: You've been drinking.

Davidson: Groundbreaking observation. It's a bachelorette party in Vegas. Should I have been sipping herbal tea?

Dallas: How are you getting back?

The three dots took longer this time.

Davidson: We'll walk. Eventually.

Dallas: I'll come get you.

Davidson: Hard pass.

Dallas: Davina.

Davidson: Dallas. We're FINE. I'm a grown woman who's been handling Vegas just fine way before you accidentally married me. I don't need a babysitter.

Dallas: Not a babysitter. A husband.

Davidson: FAKE husband. The word is FAKE. Should I text it a few more times so it really sinks in? F-A-K-E.

I was already grabbing my keycard.

Dallas: Send me your location.

I didn't need her location. I could find her with the information I had, but I wanted to see if she'd do it.

Davidson: Why?

Dallas: Because I'm either picking you up or I'm coming there and making a scene. I'll start calling you sweetness really loud. Maybe pumpkin.

The three dots appeared and disappeared four times. Five. Six. I could practically see her weighing her options: deal with me now, or deal with me embarrassing her in front of everyone in Vegas while calling her ridiculous pet names.

Davidson: You're the most annoying person I've ever met.

Dallas: You married me.

Davidson: BY ACCIDENT. I was blackout drunk. You could have been literally anyone.