Page 10 of Big Girl Panties

He was going to kiss me.

I closed my eyes and went for it. Puckering my lips, I leaned forward, expecting Matt to meet me halfway.

His "Oh" hung in the air between us, heavy and unexpected. My eyes snapped open, the world coming into sharp focus. The streetlights cast harsh shadows across Matt's face, highlighting the surprise in his eyes.

Seconds stretched into eternity as realization dawned. "Oh my God," I breathed, the words barely audible over the thundering of my heart. "I'm sorry, I…"

"Brooke." His tone was firm.

My cheeks began to burn, the heat spreading down my neck and across my chest, and I suddenly found the pattern on the sidewalk interesting. I wanted nothing more than for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

"I think I've had too much to drink. I should go." I twisted to bolt for the doors, but his hands wrapped around my shoulders, stopping me.

"Brooke." Matt's voice was gentle but firm. My eyes reluctantly met his. "Look, I…" he started, then paused, running a hand through his hair. "I want to kiss you. God, I've been thinking about it all night. But not like this."

I felt my defenses rising. "Like what, exactly?"

Matt sighed, his eyes searching mine. "Like a rushed goodbye after too many drinks. You deserve better than that. We deserve better."

I swallowed hard, fighting the urge to look away. "We?"

"Yeah, we." A small smile played on his lips. "Because I'm hoping this isn't just a one-time thing. I want our first kiss to be something you remember for all the right reasons."

I refrained from huffing out a sarcastic laugh.

"I'm serious, Brooke." Matt shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his hand halfway reaching towards me before dropping back to his side. His brow furrowed slightly as he spoke. "I want to see you again."

I inhaled deeply, feeling my chest expand. As I released the air, I forced my lips to curve upward, hoping the gesture looked more genuine than it felt.

"Me too." I waited a full minute for him to ask me for my number or the name of my café, and when he didn't, his intentions came out loud and clear.

"Goodnight, Brooke."

My hands were shaking so badly that I dropped my keys twice before getting them into the lock. The metal scraped against metal, loud in the silence.

"Goodnight," I mumbled, not trusting myself to look back.

The lobby was mercifully empty. I jabbed the elevator button, then jabbed it again. Come on, come on. When the doors finally opened, I practically dove inside.

Floor three. Floor four. Floor five.

The hallway stretched endlessly ahead of me, each step echoing off the walls. My apartment door looked exactly the same as always: scratched paint, brass numbers slightly askew. But everything felt different. I felt different. Mortified and changed and…

The door slammed shut behind me with a finality that seemed to echo through my bones.

Three steps in, and the weight of the evening crashed over me. I stumbled, catching myself against the wall.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

The cool surface anchored me as memories flashed through my mind.

Matt's smile.

My hopeful lean-in.

His hesitation.

My burning cheeks.