Page 6 of The Quiet After The Fall

Until he showed up.

I heard a noise in the hallway outside, so I peeked through the peephole and there he was, standing there. My heart pounded, mind whirling with everything I wanted to say. The words I wanted to use to hurt him as badly as he hurt me.

How could you?

I fucking hate you.

You’re a monster. A scummy piece of shit.

Owen was one thousand times better than you in every way.

It felt good to soak in my vitriol. It would have felt better to spit it, though.

He didn’t knock at first, but leaned against the wall for support, head in his hands. It looked almost like his legs could barely carry him. When he finally did knock, it was quiet. Two taps, then nothing. So much more restraint than I’d ever seen from him. The Knox I knew wouldn’t be afraid to make a scene. Those two pathetic taps told me he was trying to keep me calm. To not scare me off.

Or maybe he was the one afraid?

I shuffled to my bathroom floor, sitting with my back against the tub, and waited him out. Holding in the tears that threatened to come. I let the scene from the other night replay in my mind again and again. Knox on one knee, Ella holding him, beaming. It circled like a distorted movie reel until all I felt was cold rage.

After twenty minutes the elevator doors dinged outside and then there was nothing but silence.

He’s gone.

I sat there until my tailbone ached and the panic that set in when I realized he left subsided slightly. Climbing back into bed, I saw the row of text messages he must have sent while he waited outside. Not going to give in. Fuck him.

I deleted each one.

Sleep didn’t find me that night. Not more than a few restless minutes.

Now I’m back at work days later, standing behind the front desk performing the role of a sane, put together person.

The lobby smells like eucalyptus and carpet cleaner and sunscreen. A couple is checking in for a romantic weekend…maybe an anniversary. They didn’t say, but I can tell by the way they’re touching each other and how genuinely pleased they seem to be together. It’s effortless. An unconscious kind of love.

The kind Owen and I had.

A pang shoots through my chest and I close my eyes for a split second before regaining composure.

Breathing out, I hand them their key cards and tell them the spa closes at nine. When they finally walk away, my chest loosens.

My phone is in my blazer pocket, beckoning me to check my message app again. I shouldn’t want to. As a person roleplaying sanity, I know this. But Knox stopped texting yesterday, and I don’t know which is worse, the noise or the silence. At least the noise gave me something to resist. The silence gives me nothing.

I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone.

Do I believe that? No. But if I keep repeating it, maybe I will.

My shift ends at six. There’s traffic from a minor accident. Probably someone merging without looking. Driving through town during summertime is the worst.

Passing the emergency vehicles with their lights strobing against the pavement sends images clawing their way to the front of my mind, and my pulse kicks up before I can stop it.

Get me the hell home.

I keep my windows down even though it looks like it’s going to rain. The alternative is being sealed inside a car with my own thoughts and no fresh air, and I have too many thoughts and not enough air as it is. Besides, rain would feel good on my skin. Right now, I need that.

My apartment is exactly how I left it this morning. Which sounds like a given but sometimes it still catches me off guard…the stillness of a space that only I ever occupy.

No Owen dropping his shoes in the middle of the entryway or leaving the TV remote in the crack of the couch. No Knox, taking up more room than any person should require just by standing there.

Just me and the sounds of my upstairs neighbor plodding around with their TV blaring.