Page 38 of Letters From A Stalker

“We don’t have to count it.”

“How generous.” I mutter.

Kai gives me a moment. “What does fine mean when you’re talking about your mother?”

I think longer than the question should require. “We talk. A couple times a month, usually. Sometimes more.”

“Are you close?”

“I guess.”

“That’s different from yes.”

I exhale and sink deeper into the chair. “She’s my mother. I love her.”

“I didn’t ask whether you love her.”

Something uncomfortable moves under my ribs. “I don’t know how to answer that.”

“Then we can start there.”

I stare somewhere in front of me as I think about what he asked. We exchange recipes neither of us will make. She tells me about her day. I remind her about appointments, listen when she’s upset, make sure birthdays and prescriptions aren’t forgotten. There are years of conversations between us. I can’t remember the last time I called her because I was hurting.

The realization comes quietly enough that I almost miss it. Kai doesn’t.

“What just happened?” His question pulls me back.

“Nothing.”

“You went somewhere.”

“I was thinking… I can’t remember the last time I called her because I needed something.”

He lets the silence sit. “Did you go to her when you needed comfort as a child?”

“I don’t know.”

“Who did you go to?”

“Nanna.”

“But not your mother?”

“She had enough going on.”

“How old were you when you started thinking that way?”

“Young.”

“What did she have going on?”

“My father. The affairs. Trying to catch him, trying to figure out where he was and who he was with. They fought constantly. She was always consumed by him. When things were calm, which wasn’t often, they would both somehow turn on me instead. Nanna was the one who actually raised me. She sat with me through homework, taught me how to read and write. My mother made sure I had clothes and food and that birthdays happened, but Nanna was the one who was really there.”

“Where were you in all of that?”

The question pulls something tight in my chest. “I was there.”

“I know you were physically there. Where did you fit into it?”