Page 117 of Letters From A Stalker

"Nanna called me that morning. Mom had been in one of her moods, which meant Nanna breathing too loudly probably would've been enough to irritate her." My irritation returns even while I explain it. "She's ninety-four, her voice is raspier now and she obviously can't clean or cook the way she used to, but Mom sometimes talks about it like Nanna is deliberately refusing to be useful. She'd yelled at her that morning because the kitchen wasn't done the way she wanted and because she was annoyed by her voice."

Kai's brows draw together slightly. "How did Nanna sound when you spoke to her?"

"Fine, mostly. Annoyed more than upset, I think, but by the end of our conversation she was okay..”

A faint smile crosses his face. “That’s good."

“It is." I settle farther into the chair. "Then Mom called me and started complaining about Nanna, so I told her I thought it was pretty entitled to expect a ninety-four-year-old woman to keep doing everything she did twenty years ago. Somewhere in the middle of that she asked when I was coming over, and when I said maybe next weekend, she started telling me how I always have time for my friends but not my family."

Kai's expression changes at that, although he lets me finish before saying anything.

"Then she compared me to my father and said I always put everybody else first, just like he did." I rub my thumb lightly along the edge of the chair. "Usually that's the part where I apologize, change whatever plans I have and show up because I feel guilty enough that doing what she wants seems easier than sitting with it."

"But you didn't this time."

I shake my head. "No. I told her I wasn't going to come over just because she made me feel guilty, and then I ended the call."

There is no dramatic reaction from him, but something warm enters his expression. "That's significant, Julia."

"It didn't feel significant afterward." I give him a small, tired smile. "Mostly I felt like an asshole."

"Those two things can happen at the same time." His voice stays practical rather than overly reassuring. "The homework we've been doing wasn't supposed to make the guilt disappear overnight. The point was for you to notice when somebody else's reaction starts deciding your behavior before you've even worked out what you want."

I nod slowly.

"And this time," he continues, "you noticed it and made your own decision anyway."

"I did."

"I'm proud of you for that.” The words catch me slightly off guard.

I look at him, and there is nothing exaggerated in his expression, no therapist smile designed to reward a patient for completing an assignment. He simply means it.

"Thank you," I say after a second.

Kai gives a small nod and lets the moment pass without turning it into anything bigger.

I look down at my hands. "The part I still feel bad about is Nanna."

His head tilts slightly. "Why?"

"Because Mom was already taking things out on her that morning, and then I pissed Mom off even more. Part of me kept thinking maybe I should've gone over there, not for Mom, but just to check on Nanna and make sure she wasn't getting yelled at again because of me."

Kai is quiet for a moment before he asks, "When you spoke to Nanna, did she sound frightened?"

"No."

"Did she ask you to come?"

"No. Quite the opposite, actually. She told me not to."

"Did she sound as though she couldn't handle the situation herself?"

A reluctant smile pulls at my mouth. "Definitely not."

Kai's expression softens slightly. "Then it sounds like you're taking responsibility for something Nanna didn't ask you to carry."

I don't answer immediately.