Page 33 of Hiding in the Outfield

He covers his face with his hands and groans. “Dude. I am trying so hard to let you tell me. But you keep doing and saying shit that is making this really hard not to ask point blank.” He lets out a breath. “No. I am not with Frankie. Not interested in the slightest. Have a boyfriend. Been in love with him since I was like twelve.”

Okay. Phew. My shoulders slump. “So…you’re gay.” I try the words out. They’re not mine, so it’s a good test. My heartbeat spikes, but I can still breathe. “You…you have a boyfriend.”

“I am, and I do.”

I know what he’s doing. I know he already knows. All I have to do is say the words. The words that were implied when I went to Coach Dominguez’s office and put the nail in Dev’s coffin. When I told the skipper exactly what had happened that night.

“I’m a friend, Jackson,” Maddox says softly. “And it’s not conditional. I just want you to know I’m here.”

I nod and stare at him. And stare. The words are on the tip of my tongue. Just do it.

I swallow hard and squeeze my eyes shut. “I’mgay,” I rush out. “IkissedFrankie.” I suck in a breath. “All of it was my fault. I’m the reason he was attacked, the reason Dev broke his fucking face. I pushed him off me, and I saw Dev, and I-I-I—fuck—I said nothing. I let Dev assume Frankie came onto me.”

My throat closes, and my head falls into my hands. I dig my fingers into my skull. God dammit. If it’s not shame from being gay, it’s shame from being a coward.

The silence finally registers, and I slowly lift my head until my eyes meet Maddox’s.

“If I recall correctly…you were trying to pull Devereux off Frankie that night.” He watches me. “Based on how Frankie’s been acting since, my guess is he is fully aware of that fact.”

He squats in front of me, and a little tension eases from me now that he’s not towering over me.

“It’s all my fault,” I choke out.

“Listen, Jackson. Seeing how difficult it was for you to tell me you’re gay…explains a lot about how things went down that night. And as horrible as it was, the only villain in this whole thing is Dev. Are you faultless? No. But you were acting out of fear and panic. Dev was acting out of hatred. There is a very big difference there.”

“I don’t think people understand how deep fear cuts, how it takes hold of you and corrupts your actions as you try to protect yourself.” His next words are quiet. “Nobody chooses to live afraid. But we’re forced to. Because the world insists we don’t belong. We adapt to survive. We learn.”

I grunt. I don’t know what to say. Those facts don’t make Frankie’s fractured cheekbone heal. They don’t erase the fact that he was unconscious on the floor. In my fear, I protected myself. And shoved Frankie right into danger’s path. Seeing him unmoving, so deathly still while I held back Dev—it broke something inside me. That image is what I drew on when I went to the skipper. It’s what made me able to push out the words that revealed what I’ve been hiding my whole life.

The first time I kissed a man—the first man to ever make me want to take that risk—ended with him in the hospital.

“Thank you for telling me.” Maddox’s soft words drift up to me, and I meet his gaze. “Have you told anyone that before?”

“No. Not really. It was…um…implied when I told Coach what happened that night. But I’ve never said the words.”

Maddox squeezes my knee. “Damn. You went to the skipper? You must have been terrified.”

Literally was shitting bricks, sweating bullets. The whole fucking thing.

“He, uh, promised no one would find out. Still kind of paranoid about it, though. Y-you clearly figured it out. And Frankie.”

“Things like that are confidential. With Dev gone, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. As for my suspicion…I knew you were struggling with something. I had no idea with what, though. Not until everything with Frankie went down…and, yeah, it made me wonder. That’s the only reason why. Just know everything said tonight stays between us, okay?”

He raps his knuckles on my knee and shoots me a warm smile. “I’m really honored you shared it with me. I wish we didn’t live in a world where that was even a thing—being honored. There should be no reason we can’t simply be ourselves. But it means a lot that you trusted me, and I want you to know I’m here if you need someone to talk to. You’re not alone in this.”

“Thanks, Maddox.” Somehow the words get past my clogged throat.

“And if you are ever up to telling anyone else…I think Frankie would be a good option. I think it’d be good for the both of you to talk.”

“Yeah,” I say gruffly. “I owe him an apology. A huge one.”

“Not the worst idea I’ve heard,” he says as he stands.

“How…how’s he doing?”

A small, knowing smile curls Maddox’s lips, and I flip him off. He lifts his hands in surrender. “I didn’t say anything.”

I grunt at him, and he chuckles.