Page 92 of Seein’ Red

“Are you happy or sad about that?” Sylvie asks.

I sniffle, my heart aching as I try to figure out the answer. “Both?”

“Perfectly reasonable.”

“Is it?” I choke back another sob, the gnawing in my chest growing. “I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want a baby. At least not right now. But then…” I pause, swallowing hard. Fuck… “But then I let myself get caught up in it. In…in…him. All of it. The thought that maybe this was our chance at a do-over. But I should have known better. Second chances are only a thing in romance novels and made-for-TV movies.”

“Um, hello!” Kenzie gives a little wave. As if I forgot she was sitting there. “Dustin and me?”

“Every rule has an exception.”

“You’re allowed to want those things, while also not wanting them right now,” Sylvie continues. “You’re also allowed to want them with Nash.”

My tummy flips at the sound of his name, and I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not.

“I absolutely don’t want them with Nash!” I snap. “The last ten years have been a mistake. I shouldn’t have kept it up. What I want—no, what I need—is him out of my life.”

“Willa—”

“I fucking hate him. I mean it. Losing my virginity, almost maybe kinda but not actually knocking me up, leading me on and letting me think that there could be more. Again. He…he fucking ruins everything,” I purge, word vomiting everything I have inside. More tears pour out of me, like someone turned on a faucet. “I know it will break up the group—you don’t have to say that out loud either. I am very, very aware. And yes, things will be weird for a while, but it’s the only way.”

“Even though he loves you?” Sylvie asks.

“He doesn’t love me. He loves having an extremely convenient booty call.”

“No, he loves you,” Bronwyn interjects.

I whip my head to the other side, taking her in. She’s blurry through all the tears, but her sweet smile shines through.

“I know I’m the new one here, and that there’s a long history that I’ve only gotten to witness a small part of. But I’m also almost a Keller, and I’ve learned a few things from my new family. Including a bunch of Keller twin secrets. Of which, Willa, you’re one.”

“Excuse you?” I swipe at my eyes and snotty nose, thankful these ladies won’t judge me.

My heart leaps, hope sneaking in for a second. But only a second. Despair is hovering right at the surface, ready and waiting to swallow it down, the reminder that everything I believed was ripped apart just this morning.

“In the world of Nash, you’re it. Everything he said back there is true. Mama K even told me the story of how she walked in on teenage Nash self-completing and saying your name as he did so.”

“Him jacking off to the thought of my tits does not exactly prove everlasting love.”

But fuck…I wish it did…

Bronwyn sighs. “Maybe not, but he does. He’s told me, in not so many words, which is kinda the Keller way.”

“Then why Kitty?!” I sob again, that hope trying to fight its way back up, making my insides feel like they’re ripping in two.

“You don’t believe that he lied about that?” Kenzie asks.

“I don’t know.” I shake my head, my confusion over all that trying to elbow its way to the surface, mixing in with the rest of the emotions I don’t understand right now. “But either way, it’s betrayal. He either lied about it, and then kept that secret until now, or is lying about lying. And I don’t know which is worse.”

“He said it himself, it’s because he didn’t know how to tell you how he felt. When Camden⁠—”

I cut Sylvie off. “That was different. Camden didn’t betray you. Or pretend to and then spend years lying about it.”

“No, he just created a whole fake alter ego in order to donate money to my after-school program and then spent months texting me as that alter ego.”

She has a point. I know she does. And frankly, it’s a damn good one. There is a difference though.

Camden did what he did out of love. It was never about self-preservation or anything like that. He did all that because he loved Sylvie and wanted to give her the world. So he did it the only way he knew how. The only way his sweet, shy self could.